Linden Oaks. Inpatient. Adult Eating Disorder Unit.

I was admitted to Linden just a few days before Monday, March 17, 2008. It turned out being in Linden Oaks was not very scary after all. Each day I was woken up very early for a nurse to take my vitals. I would go back to sleep until our wake-up call at 7 AM. I had a very hard time getting out of bed each morning and just wanted to sleep. We had a set meal schedule that we followed daily. Each person had their own meal plan designed for them. You had X amount of each area needed: fruit, vegetable, fat, protein, grain, and milk. (Some people had dessert as well) After breakfast we would attend various groups to work on our minds. There were different forms of therapy, such as art and music, as well as religious groups and mixed groups with the adolescents and adults. I was always the one laying in the corner on the bean bag chair struggling to stay awake. To be honest, I gained very little to help my mind during my time at Linden Oaks because I was so focused on eating and getting the hell out of there. Just attending meetings satisfied my mind, even if I was not fully engaged or gaining much from the sessions. I loved doing the art; that was a very helpful way to express myself and still have some of the drawings today. The journaling helped me too, but again, sometimes I was so focused on just the eating or food as opposed to figuring out what brought me to that point. I hated the religion portion and spent the whole time internally laughing about what they were saying. I tuned out a lot during the group sessions because I became bored easily. After groups, we would go to lunch at noon, have more meetings and free time during the day, then have dinner at 5, family visits and phone access for a few hours, then a meeting and lights out. It was a very rigid schedule that I was able to adjust to quickly since routines were something I had been at expert at.

While at Linden, I was vegan when I was admitted and that was not allowed in the center, so I had to switch to a vegetarian diet which was also discouraged. I had a really hard time with the cheese and eggs. I was producing a very raunchy smell because my body was rejecting it. I had a lot of gas and couldn’t help that it was coming out. As far as meals go, I would eat whatever was on my meal card and more because more than anything I just wanted to break out of this place and continue on with my life. I never had any issues completing my meals and actually enjoyed them. I have always been a foodie so it felt nice to let myself enjoy it again with no guilt. When they added a dessert I accepted it with a smile on my face. This was not the case for most patients, because most of my peers there had a very difficult time completing their meals each day and were forced to replace their meal with a drink supplement. During my entire visit at Linden Oaks, I am proud to say that I never had to use a supplement for a meal because I was willing to eat what I was told. I knew it was only going to help me get back to a healthy state again. I was willing to put my control on pause to get out. I made really amazing friends in there and even got along really well with my team. I was journaling again. I gained weight back really quickly during my time in treatment. I was in the 78 percentile for my size within the first 5 or 6 days. I was allowing the weight to come on fast because I knew they wouldn’t have an excuse to keep me in there. While I was there, my family, friends, and Franke visited. I talked to Ryan and many other friends on the phone during my free time. It was really hard to have them come and go, but I had hope I would be reunited with them soon.

My journals were very food focused, here is an example:

Journal Entry- Monday, March 17, 2008

I woke up feeling awesome even though I didn't sleep well. My tummy is still doing very good and regulated.

Breakfast: 
Apple (fruit- extra)
cereal (grain/fruit)
peanut butter (fat/protein)
soy milk/lactose-free milk and water.

Lunch: 
grape juice (fruit)
hot carrots (vegetable)
veggie patty with cheese (protein/grain)
cheese (fat)
hard boiled egg (protein)
lactose-free milk and water.

Dinner: 
Pizza (2 grain, fat, protein)
hot carrots (vegetable)
ranch (fat)

Snack:
Nutrigrain Bar & apple
Cheese Ritz Crackers
3 Gatorade 

It is family day; which has been good. It was nice to openly speak to my parents with Kate (my therapist) but they said I might have to stay here awhile, maybe a month because of my weight. Hopefully it will not take that long though.

Journal Entry- Wednesday, March 19, 2008: 

Beyond eating so much to get better and healthy, I would love to live at home with my mom and dad again. I can't wait to be back there with them. Until recently, I never wanted so badly to be close to them and make them proud. I love them and my sister so much and I want so badly to be better and happy with them again. Lauren makes me smile so much and I hate to know she had to watch her older sister crumble to the ground. She needs me and I need her and even though her way of dealing with it was being mean to me, she stuck by my side. ISU would have crushed me faster without her. Being away at school helped my eating disorder develop and I never realized how badly until today in group. It gave me room to hide from my parents and other forms of help. Them pulling me out of school was the greatest thing they have ever done. My mom and dad saved my life! They could not sit and watch their daughter die. I don't want to die. I won't because of ED...I will not back down and will get out of here healthier and stronger than ever!!! Even in here I want to use my motivation and determination to help these other girls get better as well. I need them and they need me. I would like to believe I can help make a difference.I also can tell I am gaining weight already which feels outstanding. I can feel it in my tummy, thighs, butt, and my arms and all the staff has also noticed all of my high efforts. My doctor is proud and I have staffing tomorrow which hopefully goes great. I know I am doing everything here I can. I eat as much as I can and challenge my meal plans every single day. I just hope all my meals go down as well as they have been. I want to try the grilled cheese today but then I probably need extra cheese for fat which is weird but oh well. I miss grandpa. I still talk to him everyday though so it helps a lot so I know I can comfort him. He needs me and I for sure need him. He has been so brave through all of this even though my eating hurt him so much emotionally. It broke his heart to see him watch his "favorite" granddaughter slowly kill herself and I feel awful that I put him through that; him and all my relatives. But I am getting the help I need now and truly at this point this is all that matters.

Practice foods was good- a lot of candy but it tasted good. I missed those scrumptious Reese eggs, they are so outstanding! It was hard for me to see my peers struggle because only days ago I thought that would be me but now I can enjoy all of this in moderation. And I will start to let myself. My mom will be so proud because she loves to munch on her candy bars and those stupid little steps make mama proud. My goal is to be out of here in 2 weeks which seems weird but I know I need to gain quite a bit and realistically I know it will take a long while but I also know I can succeed at home. I am developing so much courage and strength that I kind of freak myself out because I have become a new person. I love who I have become, no fear! Only moving forward, I will take on all of my obstacles. Wow, I do not know why but I feel so great about being here! This is all going to get better, finally!

I miss Kelly a lot, my best friend. She has been incredible through all of this and even thought we have always been close, I feel like my ED has brought us closer together. She has been super supportive! Once I am out I know she will help a lot because she brings out the best in me. We are so silly together which feels great. She lost a friend in an accident this year and another friend was left with a really critical condition. She is doing better now which makes me happy. I said my blessings for those girls. I wish I could have done more for Kelly during that time but she insisted I was such a true friend during that time. It is weird what we all classify as a good friend. Kelly is a great best friend to me.

Journal Entry- March 22, 2008: 

I realized last night that I no longer want to count or look at calories at all after leaving here and no more exercise. (at least for a very long time) Not at all soon, I want to develop a healthy, bigger body first without burning off my calories. I want to eat and enjoy. No Stress. Leaving that all behind.

Coping Skills- If I begin to calorie count when I am moved to outpatient. I will recite a positive phrase or thought. I will remind myself how much I have done for myself and will not let myself fall back. I will think about becoming a teacher and going back to school again. I will say I need those extra calories. They are positive steps at this point. And for exercise, have people be aware I am not tapping my feet or doing any small behaviors. I do not believe I will but you never know what happens. I will make sure I relax a lot with my mom. And spend a lot of time with her around the house. I will play on my lab top a lot. It is a shame I lost all the credit for my classes but it is for the best because how could I focus on school when I need to focus so much on me. I am not used to having to think only about me. I love to consider the others who are around me and who I love.

Journal Entry- March 24, 2008: 

Tips for Outpatient:

• Grocery Shopping 
• Plan Meals
• Do not overwhelm yourself!!!! 
• Don't try to talk to all your friends
• Don't try to e-mail or check all e-mails or Facebook
• No exercise! 
• Just relax! 
• Don't stay by yourself. 

TODAY I OFFICIALLY GO HOME AS AN OUTPATIENT!!!!
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Sadly while I was in there, I realized that my heart was no longer with Franke and that upon being switched to outpatient I needed to end things with him. Even though this was a very wise decision I felt terrible because he had stuck by my side through the absolute worst of times. Even though I had to break up with him, I still loved him. I needed to take care of myself, and I knew being in such a serious relationship was going to take up too much of my time and energy. I received news from my team that I would be moved down to outpatient on March 24^th. That also indicated the day that I would have to call Franke and end things with him, which was not easy but had to be done. I was able to go home with my family that day and it was an amazing feeling.
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Journal Entry- March 26, 2008

So today in group I cried for the first time. It was very shocking but probably a great thing it happened and something I needed to experience. I never show emotion like this and never even feel the need to cry. But it felt good to let it out today. Kendra is really good at holding groups. She asked me to show the pictures I brought in today to our group. (the adult group) The pictures are from sophomore year of college and before then. They all complimented me so much and said I was so beautiful. I was so beautiful and ED destroyed me; I destroyed me. I really do not know what I was thinking. I can not stand that I have done this to myself. Kendra made me look at a picture of my cousin Maggie and I and asked me what this made me feel and how the Vicki in that picture felt and if she was happy. (ah my eyes hurt!) I then started to cry! I do believe now that my disorder started about when Ryan and I officially broke up and at the same time my Grandma passed away. I guess I never looked at it that way. But now it all makes more sense. I never really coped or faced my grandma's death at all. I guess I took all of my pain away through using food as a control.

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Before being moved down to Outpatient, I was given some very helpful advice that I would like to share with others. Whether you have been diagnosed with an eating disorder or not, you may at one point of your life be able to help share this information with a person in need.