The Scariest Part of it All

Going back after winter break was probably one of the worst choices I have ever made in my life. This is where my life crashed and burned. I was no longer drinking and started to enjoy that new lifestyle choice as well. I had enough issues, so drinking and blacking out no longer seemed important to me. Instead I would hide myself from my friends at school while they all partied in Franke's living room. My new safe place was Franke’s room, more specifically his bed. I would listen to everyone having fun until I passed out in his bed, which was normally by 9 PM. They would have to invite themselves into his room in order to see me. My friend Sarah R. would come to his house with a movie while my friends were out partying to keep me company while I lay depressed in his bed.  I would attend very few parties but preferred going to bed by 9 PM instead. My friends had to start coming to me at all times because I had no energy or motive to go to them. I would go to class. I would go to work. I would go home or to Franke's home and I would lay there. When I was not doing these things I was working out non-stop. I was so frail. It was the winter and it was freezing outside. I was officially losing 2-6 pounds a week. I was wearing several layers of clothing at all times. None of my size double zero pants stayed on my waist so I had to wear two pairs of leggings under each pair I owned. This was not only to help hold the pants up, but also because I was freezing cold all the time. I wore my winter coat while I was in class. I wore two pairs of socks and 3 to 4 shirts on at all times. I was trying to hide myself and my thinness from others. My butt hurt at all times because it was extremely boney. (if you know me today that might seem impossible because I have quite the butt for a white girl) I was constantly moving in my seat in class and excusing myself to use the bathroom in order to give my butt some relief. I felt impulsive about getting up to use the bathroom in order to move around, I felt like my body was being lazy when sitting in a 2 to 3 hour class. My hair was becoming brittle and my nails were starting to thin. I had no idea how bad I was until my parents gave me an ultimatum. 

 Once I went back to school after winter break it was January 2008. My parents had insisted that if I went back to ISU that I started seeing a dietitian on campus. My dietitian and I had a very difficult relationship even though I absolutely adored this cute little woman. He name is Dianne Feasley and we are still very close today. I would visit her office once a week. We would meet for 30-45 minutes. She would ask about my diet, my exercise, and my lifestyle in general. I would provide her answers. She would then give me advice. Sadly, I was too far gone at this point. She referred me to a doctor, Dr. Weis, to be sure my vitals were okay since I was so underweight. I then was referred to a therapist as well. The therapist did absolutely nothing for me because we did not connect at all. If anything it was a burden because it took away from my workouts and took up an hour of time I could be studying. Seeing Dianne was helpful but I absorbed and retained little that she said. She would beg me to add just two carrots to my salad or one almond to my salad and I just could not get myself to do so. I hated feeling as if someone was trying to make choices for me. I went the opposite direction. I ate less and less. She was brilliant. She worked really hard to attempt in helping me to a point of stability. Sadly, it was out of her control. She had no control over what I chose to do outside of her office. I basically did everything she had asked me not to do. I restricted more. I eliminated all fats from my diet. I eliminated snacks. I worked out even more. I isolated myself from everyone I loved except Franke for the most part. Even my time with him was becoming a routine. I had my own agenda and he just worked around what I would give him. 

I would go see my doctor one time a week at first. He would blind weigh me and inquire about what I was eating and how often I was working out. I started seeing him in January. He was doing blind weight each week, but I never informed him that I knew my weight because I would weigh myself at least 3 times a day during my morning sessions at the gym. At first, I would lose one or two pounds a week, which was worrisome enough. Once he started seeing this pattern continue, I had to go on Monday and Friday of each week. By mid-March, I was losing 3-6 pounds a week. Everything I did was a struggle and I had little social interactions anymore. I was still pushing myself to attend the gym. My friends there, as well as staff members would kindly ask me to go home and take care of myself and said that I had no business being there. I brushed past them and went on with my workout. Going out on dates with Franke was becoming nearly impossible. I will never forget one evening I was getting ready at my apartment to go out on a date with him. As I was getting ready, I noticed my frail body in the mirror and that I had bruises on my hip bones. I took off any remaining clothes and jumped in the shower. In the shower I experienced something my body has never experienced before and I hope will never experience again. My caving in butt starting pooping everywhere in the shower without me feeling any sort of sensation. My body was taking control of me and I had no way to stop it. I even remember trying to clench my butt muscles to stop what was happening to me, but nothing worked. It just ran out of me like a waterfall. I felt so mortified and had no idea what to make of the situation. After I finished my shower and made sure that any remains of what happened were gone, I proceeded to get dressed. I wore a pink long sleeve top with two pairs of leggings with black skinny jeans. I remember being freezing that night at dinner because I didn’t wear numerous shirts as usual because I wanted to feel pretty for him. That night for dinner I had an iceberg lettuce salad with added cooked peas. I had to excuse myself from the table at least 5 times to use the bathroom because I couldn’t stop going poop. I felt terrible and this was the first time I realized something was clearly wrong with me. I had no control over basic body functions. The little bit of food I was eating, my body was rejecting. That night we were unable to do anything but bring me home and put me into bed. That was the same night that Franke laid in bed with me crying because of everything that was happening to me. He was always expressing deep concern but he had finally reached his breaking point. I hated that I was hurting him and that this was starting to deeply affect our relationship. I was very emotionally withdrawn from him, even though I loved him dearly and appreciated everything he did for me. It was the same thing with my friends; I couldn’t focus on maintaining those friendships because I was so far gone with the eating disorder and didn’t even know how to tend to my own needs or wellbeing. The week after that date I went into the doctor’s office to find out some life changing news. 

Dr. Weis informed me that after talking to my dad and the board counsel at ISU that they have decided I could no longer continue at ISU after spring break 2008 until I found medical help.  I was devastated but also didn’t believe this. I believed if I went home for that break that I would be able to talk to my parents and figure something out before heading back to school. I was very wrong. I never was able to say goodbye to my friends at ISU before being medically withdrawn for a semester. Majority of my possessions were still there. I went home the first week of March just like any of my friends. I hung out that break but saw my life crumbling before my eyes. Everything about being home was difficult and emotionally draining. My parent’s house has very steep stairs leading to my bedroom. During that break I reached a point I could no longer walk those stairs. I reached a point I couldn’t sleep at night because my bones were protruding into the bed springs. I was literally skin and bones.  My hips always hurt. My butt always hurt. Mostly everything on my body was in pain at all times. I remember while I was home my parents informed me that they had made an appointment for me to be assessed at Linden Oaks Hospital in Naperville. I freaked out and had a total breakdown. I didn’t believe them until the night before when a bunch of my friends from school and family showed up at my house. We just sat there and talked and it was so awkward because they knew what was ahead for me and I was in complete denial. I told my parents I would go to the assessment but refused to stay in an inpatient treatment center. I said I would work with a dietitian on my eating and a therapist on my mind. I remember everyone being very sad that night and trying to pretend to be happy. I remember drinking a very small glass of chocolate soy milk and saying “See, I can do it you guys, it is okay.” At that point I thought all my issues were really just about what I was consuming as opposed to why I was using food as a control. 

The morning of my hospital visit was very scary. I could barely wake up that morning and had no energy. I knew this was an appointment based upon me and only me, and I was terrified. I honestly didn’t think they would keep me as an inpatient or that there would be any other complications with my health. This event was a family affair, so my sister, dad, and mom were all present. We entered the office and I went in for my assessment.  They were in the room with me at all times. I filled out the survey and talked to a woman about my responses so she had a better understanding. I made it very clear I was not willing to stay for an inpatient program and would perhaps seek outpatient help. After the conversation, she took my vitals and then returned to the room a bit later with a very worried look on her face. She told me she needed me to sit in a wheel chair and that I needed to be admitted into the emergency room at Edwards Hospital to equalize my vitals. She said many things in my body were failing and that I needed to seek immediate medical assistance. I was put into the E.R. straight from the assessment room. Before I knew it I was connected to an IV, naked under my hospital gown, shivering in a giant two person room that I was lucky enough to have to myself. I had one of those little yellow signs on my door that noted “intensive care”, as well as that I needed to be monitored at all times. My whole family was a mess and this was hardly what any of us had expected from this assessment. I could barely move even in my hospital bed. I had to be handed things that were near in proximity. I needed someone to help me get up and head to the bathroom. The first day I had a catheter because I was unable to get myself up to use the bathroom quick enough. They told me I should be in there for a few hours to improve my vitals and that I would then be admitted into the inpatient unit at Linden Oaks Hospital. I had no choice. I needed to be put into inpatient care; they were not giving me an option at this point. This visit that was supposed to be a few hours turned into much more due to the severe state my health was at. I was connected to an IV and wasn’t taken off of one for 3 whole days. I had to practice walking during my time in there because my body was shutting down. My cousin would come visit me and rub my whole boney body down with lotion because I was becoming so dry. I couldn’t stand to take a shower so I had to sit on the stall floor in order to bathe. The team at Edwards hospital was amazing. They were really supportive and gave me the strength I needed to gain hope for myself. I had the exact personality in that hospital that my Grandpa had during his visits at the hospital. I looked at my doctors and nurses for entertainment through conversation and joking around with them. They loved my bright spirit despite the state I had brought my health to. Because of those amazing people, and my friends and family, I was able to push forward. My family or friends were with me at all times. Everyone was terrified but we made it through. My best friend Kelly and my sister Lauren even stayed with me overnight in the hospital one night just to keep me company. They didn’t want me to feel alone. Friends and family came to visit me. Over those three days I was able to gain nutrients I was deprived of into my body. A nurse had to take my weight in the middle of the night one of those nights. She was a nurse who had no idea of my situation and clearly didn’t read the huge yellow note on my file saying to NOT INFORM PATIENT OF THEIR WEIGHT. I asked her, being a sneaky little Vick, and she informed me that my weight was at 80 pounds even. 80 pounds! Yikes. That is half of what I am today. When she told me she followed it with “oh honey, you need to put some weight on you.” That night I laid in bed thinking how lucky I was that I was even alive. How in the world did my body make it through such abuse? If I had gone just one day later, would I have even made it? My parent's saved my life for taking control out of my hands.

Once I was stabilized, they put me into a wheel chair and admitted me to Edwards Hospital across the way. I was being admitted into the adult eating disorder unit. I was so scared and had no idea what to expect. I didn’t even get to go home as anticipated after my assessment. Luckily, my parents were able to go home and they packed a bag for me. They had no idea how long I would have to stay inpatient and I had no knowledge of how long a typical visit was for such a situation. It was so hard saying bye to my parents but I knew this was something I had to do if I ever wanted to spend time with my family again. I was killing myself slowly and this treatment center seemed to be the only thing I had confidence in to help me through it.  So that night, I arrived at Linden Oaks and started working with a whole team to help me through my struggles. I had a dietitian named Jane, a therapist, Kate, and a series of doctors. I was shown to my room which was shared with another older woman. I was given our strict schedules and my meal plan. That is when it hit me that I was stuck behind those doors and there was no way out. The only way out was gaining weight and doing exactly what I was told.