Vicki Takes On Anorexia : New Apartment, Same Friends. New Boyfriend, Same Bad Habits.

I moved into my first apartment on August 15, 2007. I lived on Locust St. and Fell Ave. in Normal, Illinois. It was a newly built, beautiful apartment building. I moved in with Rachel, Kim, and Rachel. As stated before we were not close friends by any means, but we made it work. Out of all of them I was closest with Rachel M. We had known each other since we were very little girls. We went to the same elementary school and attended each others birthday parties. It is kind of scary because I lived with these girls from August 2007-March 2008, yet I have very little memories of my time living with them. I would like to blame that on the eating disorder because anorexia and anxiety consumed all my thoughts. I think the only time I really talked to any of them was when it came to bills or school assignments with Rachel. We never really hung out. I was never really home. I was either at class. At work. At a friend's house. Or out somewhere on my bike or feet. Rather than being eager about this gorgeous new home that I had, I was only thinking about the time outside of there. While I was in the house I was either sleeping, studying, or feeling super anxious about anything I possibly could.I spent so much time dwelling on food, calories, working out, and perfecting all of those subjects stated.

On my first day of Junior Year, I moved all my things into my room and went out that night with my sister (Lauren), Anna, and some other friends. We went over to the Jon's house to pick up where we left off. We were such close friends I felt comfortable to go over in my tank top, sports bra and soccer shorts. I had a Keystone Light in hand the entire night and was accompanied by so many of my favorite people. Right upon walking in I received a lot of comments about how thin I had gotten over the summer but never fully acknowledged those comments from my friends. I would just respond by saying "yeah, I have been watching what I am eating and working out more often". I never made a big deal about the weight loss because that was never my largest goal. I also didn't want people pointing that out because I knew that working out was something I was starting to become addicted to. I didn't need my friends to know that when I was between classes I was running until I couldn't run anymore, or that I would walk any spare moment I had or take extra long routes to get to my destination just to be walking for longer durations. I choose to spend all my time with my closest friends and had them completely fooled during the beginning. They saw me all the time and my quirks were not yet apparent to them.

First night back at ISU my Junior Year!

Let the madness of Junior year begin...

Living in an apartment as opposed to the dorms made it much easier to change my eating habits. I constantly had access to various food options while in the dorms and was able to choose whatever I desired at that moment. It was easier to pick up "junk" food there. While living in an apartment, I had to do my own grocery shopping. This is the point of my life where I started to get really bad anxiety at the grocery stores and spent hours there being indecisive about my purchases. I would put items into my cart and later return them to the shelves because they contained too many calories or too much fat. I would examine each piece of fruit until I found the perfect piece. That meant not bruises or bumps, as well as being the perfect size for a serving. I never allowed myself to buy anything that was "too big" because I knew that just meant more calories. I realized that basically every item in the store had an option for low-fat or fat free, and decided that would be a good switch to make in my purchases. Everything I consumed was almost completely fat free. This was a must for me. I also had very little food in my pantries because I would only buy what I was going to eat for that week to prevent myself from overeating or having extra snacks or servings. I would measure out every little thing that I ate. I had to have the exact serving of pasta, and of course it had to be a wheat variety. I would measure out the amount of pasta sauce according to the serving on the jar. I would limit myself to one small slice of garlic bread, but eventually removed that entirely because I felt that was more than I needed. This was every meal, not just when I ate pasta. Everything was perfectly measured and very well thought out in advanced. I even started keeping a set of measuring cups and spoons in my bedroom to have access to them at all times. I couldn't bare to think of them being dirty in the dishwasher and unavailable to use. I would wash them after each use and tuck them away in my computer desk drawer. There was never a time I consumed a meal that was not thought out or prepared ahead of time. Each meal was planned according to my ideal calorie intake. At the beginning, when I was living at home, all the portions were very normal for a person who was watching their eating. The only problem with that was that it was still no where near enough for me because I was so active. I had not motive to increase my food intake due to the large increase in my daily activity. I was beginning to love the fact that I could eat so little and work out so much and still "be in control of my life". I saw nothing wrong with the way that I was handling my health. This did not last for long due to having other people in my life who were trying to help me realize I had a problem.

From August until September 2007, I had a great time at Illinois State. I was with friends all the time, doing really well in my classes, I was the Social Chair of my Education Committee, as well as beginning to crush on someone who is extremely important in my story. Within a month of beginning my Junior year, I was out every day. Within that same month, I started noticing Franke more and more when I would see him at parties. Him and I had known each other since I started at ISU since we had the same friend circle but didn't really start talking until the end of my Sophomore year, and of course, the beginning of my Junior year. At this point, we had starting talking more and eventually things just clicked for us. I was absolutely crazy about him and he was totally crazy about me. I think it took people by surprise because I had always been really flirty with other people from that friend group. Giving Franke a chance and getting to know him was one of the greatest choices I made during my college experience. I wanted to be with this boy all the time. He was beyond sweet and caring with me. He was everything I needed to help nurture these crazy food and exercise thoughts I was having in my brain.I remember really falling for him during a Chicago Bears game/party the guys had at Franke's place and Ben's place. People were going from one place to anther because they lived in the same complex. I tended to keep drifting towards the party down at Franke's because that is where he was at. I spent tons of time flirting with him that day. From that day, Franke and I dated until I went into treatment for anorexia. I stayed with him at his apartment almost every night, he would even occasionally stay at mine. We went on dates. We drank together. We did everything together. We spent a lot of time just relaxing together and talking. Of course, I was MIA a lot because I would be out walking around campus or on the trail, but I tended to give him tons of attention which felt great. I had little focus on anything else in my life but there was something about him that pulled me in and kept me there. Of course, my eating disorder became noticeable in our relationship over time and that is where things had to change.

At a party with Franke.

Night out with Franke.

Bears game up at Ben's Place.

Watching the Bears Game with Franke & Pfister.

More Bears Game Pics.

Night after the Bears Game party.

I remember I felt that my eating disorder and physical appearance were not that noticeable until my 21st birthday. At this point, I was already really thin. Wearing size zero jeans and x-small clothing. I was going to the gym every morning before classes. I was spending any time I was not working out with Franke and our friends. My parents didn't see me too often while I was away because I never wanted to go home. I hated the thought of missing a party or being out of my routines with food and exercise. My parents came down to visit me for my 21st birthday and it was very hard for them. This is the first time I was presented as having an actual problem. They met me at my apartment on Fell Ave. and right when they walked in they looked at me as if they had never seen me before. They tried their best to look happy but looked more concerned than anything. We enjoyed an evening together and they took me out to dinner for my birthday, a few days before the official day. I remember making a point to eat "normally" to ease some of the awkwardness. That was really hard for me because my body was not used to that much food. They made many comments about my size and inquired about how I was living my life. They knew I was walking all the time because I was constantly calling them on the phone to chat during my long walks, especially my mom. My dad and I were not as close as we are now at this point of my life. They were also aware that I spent all of my weekends drinking and partying. They knew I had a new boyfriend I was crazy about and I believe they met him when they were in town that weekend. After they left that weekend, my childhood best friend Dea came into town for a night to visit me. She had concerns about how thin I had become as well but tried not to make a huge deal about it. We all hung out. We all drank. It was great.

My 21st Birthday Celebration with Mom & Dad.

The night of my 21st birthday was a complete disaster. Even as someone who was used to going out and drinking until they couldn't stand, I knew I had gone overboard. We had multiple mini parties all weekend at Franke's apartment, as well as going out and doing various other things in honor of my birthday. My sister is two years younger than me, as well as some of our friends, and so we had to drink before I went to the bars at midnight in order to celebrate with them. We drank all day in my room, and then went to Ben's to drink and take shots. I was super wasted before going out with Franke, Mikey, Ben, and the Jons. Did that stop me though? No, it never did. I made it to Pub II which was one of the guys favorite bars near us. I remember taking only two shots that night and not remembering a single thing afterwards. (I do know that I had plenty more shots than that though). Somehow the guys managed to get me back home that night, I have no recollection of this. I woke up the next morning and skipped my classes, which I had never done before. When I woke up I was on Franke's futon and had peed myself from being so intoxicated...and underweight and malnourished. I had never done something like that before and it really grossed me out but I clearly never learned from that experience. I laid on the bed for a long time and didn't move until it was time for me to go to work at Metcalf that day. I was a lunch monitor and some how made it to work...but was still totally drunk and not at all myself. My boss could tell something was up but we were very close so she didn't say anything since I always got my job done. This is exactly when things started to go downhill very quickly. It was every time that I drank almost that I had an "accident" and my eating was becoming fewer and far between.

Birthday Dinner at Carlos O' Kelly's

Dinner with Sis

21st Birthday Dinner with Franke

Two of my Favorite People on my Big Birthday!

21st Birthday Night Out with Franke & McDonald.

Pub II

Sarah joined us at the bar

That day I went to work drunk was my actual birthday. I remember not really eating that day because I knew I was going out to dinner with my friends to Carlos O'Kellys that night. I couldn't bare to think of eating when I knew that a large Mexican meal was ahead of me, as well as plenty of more drinking. After I attended a few of my afternoon classes, as well as went home and napped, my friends came over to start getting ready for our night. I told them I didn't think I was going to drink, but I as wrong again. We started drinking at my apartment and eventually left and went out to dinner with a large group. I drank 2 very large margaritas there. I was loving the drink and didn't take too much time to think about food. I was surrounded by at least 10-15 of my closest friends and tried to move around to talk to everyone as much as possible. I did whatever I could to avoid eating and having people notice I was not taking in much food. Needless to say, I barely ate anything but some chips and salsa that day and ended up going out later that night to the bars...again. We had a really wonderful time and I do not think I blacked out that time, which must have felt nice compared to the night I went through just before.

I can't exactly tell you when Franke and our close friends starting coming to me with concerns about my weight, but I know it was just around this time. My habits were becoming very obvious and I was not trying to hide it anymore. It has taken me over and I was very known for my lack of eating habits, large drinking binges, and addition to exercise. Franke and I continued to date. My friends and I continued to spend time together. My life is very fuzzy at this point because all I can fucking remember is writing out what I was going to eat for that day...the next day....the entire week...and eventually an entire month plan. My meals were almost the exact same every day, yet I felt the need to continue to write it out for reassurance over and over again. I honestly remember most of this part of my life being about writing out numbers, panicking in the grocery store, and blacking out when drinking. I spent the holidays with Franke and my family. We had a wonderful time together and I was even getting to know his mom. That was a very hard Christmas break for me because I continued to loose weight and increase my amount of exercise and obsessions during my time at home. My parents expressed deep concerns for me at this point, but I insisted on going back to ISU after the break ended.

It was my close friend Molly's 21st birthday while I was home for that break. Franke came into town and he and I went out with her to Sam McGuires, a local bar in Orland Park. We were drinking before we left to go to the bar...I was drinking Bud Select because of the obvious reasons...it only contained 55 calories. We went to Chili's for dinner prior to going out and I recall just eating chips and salsa so I had something in my stomach to sustain later that evening. I do not remember a damn thing from the bar or celebrating Molly's birthday later that evening. I know I had fun but it was because I was with two people I adored and beyond intoxicated. That night my sister picked us up from the bar. I passed out on the floor that evening at my parent's house, and Franke came to my side. When I woke up the next morning I was still pretty tipsy feeling due to the amount I took in that night. About an hour later, Franke and I were cleaning up the living area from our blankets. As I picked up a blanket, I saw a huge puddle on my parent's carpet. I assumed my dog peed on the floor. After thinking about it, I realized that is exactly where I was sleeping and that I had peed on the floor. How embarrassing. I had done this numerous times after partying at school but this was different because it was in my parent's home. They do not deserve to have to put up with those behaviors. They raised me better than that. I cleaned up my own mess but led my family to believe my dog did it. I am sure Franke knew the truth and perhaps even my parents. After that night, I decided to give up drinking. I could not take it anymore. I knew my body was too small and was rejecting the neglect I continued to provide it. That was December 19, 2007. My very last drink for a very long time.