My Deepest Apologizes...

To All My Illinois State Friends, 

For several years now, I have avoided acknowledging my feelings and thoughts about my friends from ISU and how much they mean to me. I was afraid that they would hate me for pushing them away while I was sick with anorexia. I was afraid of them rejecting my apologizes for vanishing while working on myself. The truth is...my friendships in college were some of the absolute best friendships I have ever gained. Those were the people I spent day in and day out with. Those are the people who I considered not only friends, but a new circle of family. I let my internal issues get the best of me, and I abandoned them when I needed them in my life the most. I didn't really look back. Instead I ran and hid from relationships that meant the world to me. I erased my Facebook account and numerous phone numbers during the time I was sick to avoid having to face these people. I hid in my own world. I was very much alone and hated living my life that way. However, my mind was really wonderful at playing games at this point and I convinced myself that this is what I wanted. I would say this happened completely in December of 2009, once I was home from Illinois State during my student teaching. 

I am someone who does not live their life with regrets, but looking back, I regret so deeply that my mind was such a fucking mess that I intentionally removed these people from my life due to fear of rejection. I should have known better. I know better now. I should have taken the time to think about how much these people offered me during our friendship, during the time I was sick, and shortly after. Clearly, this was the worst of my sickness when I made these choices so I hate to entirely blame myself, because that was hardly my sane self. I just wish I could grabbed control of my life to know that removing these people from my life was not the answer to gaining a healthy life. I can't help that I became sick, but I can help that I chose to eliminate these people from my life. Ugh. The regret that goes along with this choice today. The phenomenal memories that I missed out on due to my choices. I missed seeing everyone graduate, achieve landing their first real job outside of college, so many parties and celebrations, people getting married and having children, and even friends moving to Chicago which is also my home. For example, Kitty was one of my very best friends at ISU. Without knowing it, she and I lived in the same neighborhood for two years in Chicago and I had no idea due to removing her from my Facebook and my phone. When I finally reconnected with her and gained this information I was crushed. I was speaking to her on Facebook chat and began to cry instantly because I was so pissed off at myself for isolating myself so much. Luckily, we have been in contact for a bit now and even were able to see each other a few weeks ago while she was in Chicago. I really hope to reconnect with everyone, just like I did with Kitty, and start hanging out and socializing with the people who do live in Chicago and so near to me. 

There are many of you that I owe an apology to on a very personal level and I am so sorry how my getting sick effected our relationship. This was unfair to me, but also very unfair to you. I know for many of you this may be in the past and you may have forgotten about the ways I have hurt you or left you, but for me this is something really impacting me at the moment. Please look at the pictures below and remember all the amazing times we had together before I got sick or during that time. These pictures make me so happy and I hope they also bring smiles to each of you. 

I am finally ready to accept this part of my life and hope that those fantastic friends from college can forgive me. I can never put into exact words how sorry I am for the choices I made when removing you all from my life. I promise it was never anything personal and entirely to do with my mental state at this point of my life. I am physically and mentally healthy again, and am realizing one of the biggest issues I am having now is that emptiness of these people. I love you all dearly and always have. I hope we can reconnect and pick up our friendship where it left off. 

 <3 Kitty Chelsea, Sara, Meagan S, Sarah P, Rachel, Sao, Pfister, Jean, Jess, Anal, Ashley G, Kali, Anna, Darcy, Sonya, Winker, Sarah R, Christy, Ashley C, Franke, Mikey, Benn, Ryan W, Nick, Doolin, McDonald, Goose, Noah, Travis, Jarrod, Sully, Mena, Kevin W, Tim M, Drew (if I forgot anyone in this list please forgive me, I am doing my best to include everyone)

Kitty

Chelsea

Sara

Meagan

 

Rachel

Sao 

Pfister

Jean

Jess

Anal

Ashley G.

Kali

Anna

Darcy

Sonya

Winker

Sarah R

Christy

Ashley C

Ben

Ryan W

Mikey

Franke

McDonald

Travis

Goose

Nick

Doolin

Noah

Sully

Drew

Kevin

Christy

Mena

Tim M.