In the past, if I had to select a time in my life that I believe my eating disorder began, I would have said the Summer of 2007. After looking back at my life, that might actually be wrong. I truly believe my issues began during my first year of college, which would be August of 2005. I attended Moraine Valley Community College with my best friend, Kelly. I was at the top of my class by the end of my first year and was very obsessive about earning and maintaining above average grades. Working out was never important to me during my high school years, but once I entered college it started to become more of a priority in my week. I would take long walks between classes, sometimes with Kelly, and was starting to do a lot of work on my abdominal muscles. I was swimming every morning in my family pool in the backyard. The changes were very healthy at first and didn't come off as problematic to others...or myself.
I should mention I didn't eat healthy during my high school years. I ate tons of Chicken Fried Rice with Kelly, bags of Doritos and boxes of Krispe Kreme Donuts with Dea, two or three orders of chicken nuggets with extra ranch sauce from Wendy's and X-Large Strawberry Milkshakes with my high school boyfriend, Ryan, and half of a frozen pizza with my high school best friend, Jenny, as an after school snack. I had terrible eating habits. I was in high school though, so it didn't really seem to matter to me at that time. Food was never the biggest concern of my day. My focus was on doing well in school and most of all, being social with my friends. By Senior year at Carl Sandburg, that changed a little. I started to skip lunch once in a while. This was more than likely to look "cool". I would eat normally at home, but the idea of restricting my eating habits was very appealing to me at this point. I knew the less I ate, the smaller my body would be and the more control I would have over my physical appearance.
After high school (summer 2005), I did not get into the college that I wanted to attend, Illinois State University. I was devastated but tried not to let that show and played it off as I willingly chose to attend a community college as my first college experience. I decided to stay home for another year as opposed to applying to other universities and attended Moraine Valley Community College to begin taking general education courses and introduction teaching classes. I think not being admitted to Illinois State was the first trigger to feeling compelled to find a new control in my life. I was very upset because I knew how intelligent I was and how capable I was of doing well in college. I was pissed off at the school systems and how much focus they put on standardized tests. That summer I spent a lot of time with my friends, but I also began to enjoy taking long walks during the warm summer months. Right after high school graduation I began taking courses at Moraine Valley. I was very driven to do well. I channeled a lot of my energy into getting straight A's. I spent a lot of time with Kelly. Like mentioned above, my body started to become toned due to my work outs. I was not used to focusing on that area of my life, and it seemed really empowering.
During my first year at Moraine Valley, I lost quite a bit of weight. It didn't take doing much to see differences, just adapting to some healthier habits.While taking classes at Moraine, I was admitted to Illinois State for Fall of 2006. I was beyond thrilled. I was even more driven to do well during my time at Moraine and take as many classes at possible. I was taking 18 credits a semester, far more than I needed to be. Most of my time was spent dedicated to my studies. I can't even tell you an exact number of credit hours I had by the time I attended ISU, but it was a lot! As I packed my bags for ISU, I felt ready to take on whatever college had to offer me. Looking back, I was ready academically and socially, but my rapidly developing issues seem to tell another story.
I can remember my first day at ISU like it was yesterday. I was so happy to be off on my own and working towards my degree. I decorated my dorm room, unpacked my bags, and contacted friends from high school. From day one, I began to go out and drink and party with my friends. This was very new to me since this was not a way that I handled my life during my experience at home. I was out at least 3 nights a week and receiving tons of attention from various guys, and even new girl friends. Being a lady, this was a super fulfilling feeling. I was engaging with tons of different people and loving this new social circle in my life. Entering college I had many issues in my head that were no where near sorted out before going away. This is why drinking quickly became my outlet and something I depended on for having a good time. I quickly made wonderful new friends during my first few weeks at school. I also quickly learned about the basement gym in my dorm, Manchester Hall. I had my closet filled with zero calorie pack Oreos and Light Lays Potato Chips. I started using the gym once or twice a week, mainly after a long weekend of drinking. During my short visits a few times a week, I observed other girls studying from their notebooks while sweating on the treadmill. That seemed very clever to me, so I began to do the same. I went from going only twice a week to going every day since I was able to attend to my studying during my workouts. I began to loose track of time and would often spend an hour to two hours on the elliptical due to my mind being on my notes. When going to the food court, I would select honey glazed chicken with fried rice and large bowls of Alfredo pasta. That continued for a bit, however, I started switching to salads on a daily basis filled with various vegetables and low-fat dressing. I also dragged my friend into my obsessive ways without letting them know. I would initiate taking a walk as a way to hang out and catch up. Little did they know that this healthy act for them was becoming an obsession for me. Constantly feeling the need to be on the move.
During my Sophmore year of college (August 2005-May 2006), my life changed more than I realized. It took me looking back years later to understand how each of those changes ultimately affected my well being. To me it all felt like fun, however, I was developing a pattern of very negative behaviors. I was never a person who was defined by exercise or food, but this quickly started to consume me and in a sense define me. By the middle of my sophmore year, I was drinking at least 4 to 7 days a week. I would buy a handle of Southern Comfort and begin drinking by myself in my room, already being intoxicated before even meeting up with my friends to "pre-game" with them.I would drink that whole handle to myself by the end of the week. I could drink my guy friends under the table and loved being part of the action. I never missed any parties or gatherings. I justified this heavy drinking by eating a Subway Veggie Delight or Subway mini veggie pizza before heading out with my friends. I would later that night carry a bag of pretzels around with me to keep myself from blacking out or feeling sick the next morning. All through college, I never experienced a hangover because of these tedious routines that I held myself to on a daily basis. Various friends became highly worried about my drinking and the dependency I was forming around it. My friend Sarah and my roommate Casey had gone to my Resident Assistant, Matt, to tell them about my drinking problem. He came and talked to me but of course I did not take this seriously. I continued drinking, in my dorm room and everything. I would stay at friends houses instead of going back to my room at night and spend as much time away from my room as possible. I was angry at the people who were looking out for me. I did gain an amazing support group of friends during my first year at ISU. I would never say they were a bad influence on me, more so that we just enjoyed the same hobbies. We all loved music, and being outside, as well as drinking and partying. My friends kept me away from spiraling out of control sooner than I did.
I should mention a very important person and part of my life. Before leaving for ISU, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, Ryan.We dated my Sophomore year of high school until the summer before my Sophomore year of college. He was my high school sweetheart and the person I honestly thought I was going to spend my life with. (everyone felt this way because we had been through so much together and seen the worst in one another and still made it work). His family became my family. I had a very strong relationship with each member of his family, especially his sister Lauren. I remember one of the hardest parts about breaking up with Ryan was feeling like I was breaking up with his whole family. He was an amazing guy, a loyal person, and a fantastic boyfriend, however, right when I knew I was going away to college, I knew I wasn't going to do well being in a relationship. I am glad I knew this about myself because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone else along the way of figuring myself out. The saddest part is that Ryan also went to Illinois State. He is a year older than me, so he was there for two years of our relationship prior to me going there. Even though he was away, he was always super faithful to me and we had a wonderful relationship. We took turns visiting on the weekends and spent all our time together when he was home for breaks.You would have thought me getting into ISU was the best thing that ever happened to us, however, that was what tore us apart. I could not handle being way with him at the same school. I had no second thoughts about sacrificing our relationship so I could be a free women entering my experience being away at college. Once I started living in Normal, Illinois and attending ISU, Ryan and I lived very close to one another and we hung out with a lot of the same people. We remained friends and even dated on and off around October 2006. Sadly, that did not last long either because of my drinking. I would go out and party and throw myself at other guys I was attracted to. I was still receiving tons of attention from others and had no interest in sacrificing that to remain in a relationship. Ryan witnessed me changing right before his very eyes after being with me for 4 years. I felt like the change was night and day. Sure, we had our issues for sure, but nothing about the way we ended had to do entirely with how he treated me. I was a very troubled little lady and realized I couldn't be with someone else on such a strong commitment level. I mention Ryan because this is when everything started. Soon after we broke up for good, I started becoming very dependent on other outlets in my life. I was dating other guys and always with friends, but it was almost as if drinking, food, and exercise had replaced that four year relationship I had with someone I loved and who loved me. Writing this I am realizing just how much my relationship ending with Ryan effected me. At the time, it honestly seemed like no big deal to me because I was so confused in my head. I knew I couldn't be with him and thought that was all that mattered. Realizing now that ending a 4 year relationship is a huge deal and I never coped with it properly. I never allowed myself closure because I forced myself to move on so quickly.
While Ryan and I were broken up, I started spending time with different guys. Obviously, after just ending a long term relationship, the best idea was not to jump right back into a relationship. I did not do that at all because I was too busy dating and hanging out with numerous guys. Dating or being able to freely flirt with guys was new to me since I had been dating Ryan for so long. There is one guy in particular that I was into very much, Ben. He was the one exception to me not wanting to jump into dating. He and I hung out my first day at ISU and continued hanging out until I graduated. Our "relationship" was never serious, but we always had a really amazing time together. He was very high energy and gave me the attention I needed at that point of my life. I would often spend the night with him and enjoyed being in his presence. We were unable to date for a long period of time due to him also knowing Ryan. I hated how complicated it was because I truly liked Ben and the way he made me feel. I was having so many issues internally and he was one of those people who just helped all that go away. I mention Ben because I had a really hard time getting over him and it was always really hard seeing him at parties knowing the kind of relationship I desired to have with him. This lead to me drinking even heavier and a period of unhappiness. I have never admitted that before because for a long time I preferred people to believe certain things didn't bother me. Luckily, Ben and I were always able to maintain a friendship and I now realize that was for the better.
That same year, my grandma Rita, passed away. This was a super hard time for me because I spent almost every Sunday with her and she was the core of our family. We were not very close in the sense of knowing one another on a personal level, but I learned a lot about family values and being a good person from her. Everyone always came to visit on Sundays to have lunch and relax together. When she became ill, I was away at school which was really stressful for me because more than anything I wanted to be there with her and my mom. It was a lot of really long, depressing visits to the hospital. She passed away in February of 2007. I had a really hard time and went into a mini depression, which I always successfully avoided talking to others about. I cried a ton, I ate very little, and exercise was my source of releasing the stress. I have an easy time accepting death today, but my grandma's death was the hardest for me to accept. I believe there were many reasons for that; she was the first big death in the family, as well as witnessing the hard time my mom and other family members went through because of it.
Not only did my grandma pass away in February 2007, my closest friend, Roy Warner III, passed away in a car accident in November of 2005. I have to be honest and admit that I was obsessed with Roy for many years and looked up to him very much. It started as a cute little crush when we were students at Orland Junior High School, and we remained friends over the years. Like me, Roy had many issues and we connected on a very deep level because of this. We would spend hours talking on the phone daily due to being in different locations, looking at the stars together, and challenging one another to "rap battles". He was such an important person to me. Loosing him was VERY unexpected and hard for me. I felt like the only thing I could do at that point to cope was write my own rap songs out and reach out to his amazing family, especially his mom and sister, Jill. I remember I was at Ryan's house when I found out about Roy's death on someone from high school's Myspace page. I ran out of Ryan's house with a stream of panicky tears and could barely breathe. I remember screaming so loud that all of his neighbors could probably hear me.These were two very significant people in my life and I had a very hard time saying good bye to both of them. Looking back, my drinking and obsessive personality really went into full bloom after these two deaths. I will forever love both of these people and use them now as a tool to help myself push forward with my life. I would hate to feel I am disappointing either of them and still try to make them proud even though they are no longer here with me in person.
By the end of my sophomore year, it was clear that I had lost lots of weight, and part of my mind. Going from a size 4 or 6 in pants to a size 0. Developing odd new eating habits. Becoming dependent on hard alcohol and beer for a good time. That summer was no different. It was actually terribly worse. Being home for the long break did nothing but cause more problems and obsessions for me, but that is the next part of my story.
After high school (summer 2005), I did not get into the college that I wanted to attend, Illinois State University. I was devastated but tried not to let that show and played it off as I willingly chose to attend a community college as my first college experience. I decided to stay home for another year as opposed to applying to other universities and attended Moraine Valley Community College to begin taking general education courses and introduction teaching classes. I think not being admitted to Illinois State was the first trigger to feeling compelled to find a new control in my life. I was very upset because I knew how intelligent I was and how capable I was of doing well in college. I was pissed off at the school systems and how much focus they put on standardized tests. That summer I spent a lot of time with my friends, but I also began to enjoy taking long walks during the warm summer months. Right after high school graduation I began taking courses at Moraine Valley. I was very driven to do well. I channeled a lot of my energy into getting straight A's. I spent a lot of time with Kelly. Like mentioned above, my body started to become toned due to my work outs. I was not used to focusing on that area of my life, and it seemed really empowering.
During my first year at Moraine Valley, I lost quite a bit of weight. It didn't take doing much to see differences, just adapting to some healthier habits.While taking classes at Moraine, I was admitted to Illinois State for Fall of 2006. I was beyond thrilled. I was even more driven to do well during my time at Moraine and take as many classes at possible. I was taking 18 credits a semester, far more than I needed to be. Most of my time was spent dedicated to my studies. I can't even tell you an exact number of credit hours I had by the time I attended ISU, but it was a lot! As I packed my bags for ISU, I felt ready to take on whatever college had to offer me. Looking back, I was ready academically and socially, but my rapidly developing issues seem to tell another story.
I can remember my first day at ISU like it was yesterday. I was so happy to be off on my own and working towards my degree. I decorated my dorm room, unpacked my bags, and contacted friends from high school. From day one, I began to go out and drink and party with my friends. This was very new to me since this was not a way that I handled my life during my experience at home. I was out at least 3 nights a week and receiving tons of attention from various guys, and even new girl friends. Being a lady, this was a super fulfilling feeling. I was engaging with tons of different people and loving this new social circle in my life. Entering college I had many issues in my head that were no where near sorted out before going away. This is why drinking quickly became my outlet and something I depended on for having a good time. I quickly made wonderful new friends during my first few weeks at school. I also quickly learned about the basement gym in my dorm, Manchester Hall. I had my closet filled with zero calorie pack Oreos and Light Lays Potato Chips. I started using the gym once or twice a week, mainly after a long weekend of drinking. During my short visits a few times a week, I observed other girls studying from their notebooks while sweating on the treadmill. That seemed very clever to me, so I began to do the same. I went from going only twice a week to going every day since I was able to attend to my studying during my workouts. I began to loose track of time and would often spend an hour to two hours on the elliptical due to my mind being on my notes. When going to the food court, I would select honey glazed chicken with fried rice and large bowls of Alfredo pasta. That continued for a bit, however, I started switching to salads on a daily basis filled with various vegetables and low-fat dressing. I also dragged my friend into my obsessive ways without letting them know. I would initiate taking a walk as a way to hang out and catch up. Little did they know that this healthy act for them was becoming an obsession for me. Constantly feeling the need to be on the move.
During my Sophmore year of college (August 2005-May 2006), my life changed more than I realized. It took me looking back years later to understand how each of those changes ultimately affected my well being. To me it all felt like fun, however, I was developing a pattern of very negative behaviors. I was never a person who was defined by exercise or food, but this quickly started to consume me and in a sense define me. By the middle of my sophmore year, I was drinking at least 4 to 7 days a week. I would buy a handle of Southern Comfort and begin drinking by myself in my room, already being intoxicated before even meeting up with my friends to "pre-game" with them.I would drink that whole handle to myself by the end of the week. I could drink my guy friends under the table and loved being part of the action. I never missed any parties or gatherings. I justified this heavy drinking by eating a Subway Veggie Delight or Subway mini veggie pizza before heading out with my friends. I would later that night carry a bag of pretzels around with me to keep myself from blacking out or feeling sick the next morning. All through college, I never experienced a hangover because of these tedious routines that I held myself to on a daily basis. Various friends became highly worried about my drinking and the dependency I was forming around it. My friend Sarah and my roommate Casey had gone to my Resident Assistant, Matt, to tell them about my drinking problem. He came and talked to me but of course I did not take this seriously. I continued drinking, in my dorm room and everything. I would stay at friends houses instead of going back to my room at night and spend as much time away from my room as possible. I was angry at the people who were looking out for me. I did gain an amazing support group of friends during my first year at ISU. I would never say they were a bad influence on me, more so that we just enjoyed the same hobbies. We all loved music, and being outside, as well as drinking and partying. My friends kept me away from spiraling out of control sooner than I did.
I should mention a very important person and part of my life. Before leaving for ISU, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, Ryan.We dated my Sophomore year of high school until the summer before my Sophomore year of college. He was my high school sweetheart and the person I honestly thought I was going to spend my life with. (everyone felt this way because we had been through so much together and seen the worst in one another and still made it work). His family became my family. I had a very strong relationship with each member of his family, especially his sister Lauren. I remember one of the hardest parts about breaking up with Ryan was feeling like I was breaking up with his whole family. He was an amazing guy, a loyal person, and a fantastic boyfriend, however, right when I knew I was going away to college, I knew I wasn't going to do well being in a relationship. I am glad I knew this about myself because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone else along the way of figuring myself out. The saddest part is that Ryan also went to Illinois State. He is a year older than me, so he was there for two years of our relationship prior to me going there. Even though he was away, he was always super faithful to me and we had a wonderful relationship. We took turns visiting on the weekends and spent all our time together when he was home for breaks.You would have thought me getting into ISU was the best thing that ever happened to us, however, that was what tore us apart. I could not handle being way with him at the same school. I had no second thoughts about sacrificing our relationship so I could be a free women entering my experience being away at college. Once I started living in Normal, Illinois and attending ISU, Ryan and I lived very close to one another and we hung out with a lot of the same people. We remained friends and even dated on and off around October 2006. Sadly, that did not last long either because of my drinking. I would go out and party and throw myself at other guys I was attracted to. I was still receiving tons of attention from others and had no interest in sacrificing that to remain in a relationship. Ryan witnessed me changing right before his very eyes after being with me for 4 years. I felt like the change was night and day. Sure, we had our issues for sure, but nothing about the way we ended had to do entirely with how he treated me. I was a very troubled little lady and realized I couldn't be with someone else on such a strong commitment level. I mention Ryan because this is when everything started. Soon after we broke up for good, I started becoming very dependent on other outlets in my life. I was dating other guys and always with friends, but it was almost as if drinking, food, and exercise had replaced that four year relationship I had with someone I loved and who loved me. Writing this I am realizing just how much my relationship ending with Ryan effected me. At the time, it honestly seemed like no big deal to me because I was so confused in my head. I knew I couldn't be with him and thought that was all that mattered. Realizing now that ending a 4 year relationship is a huge deal and I never coped with it properly. I never allowed myself closure because I forced myself to move on so quickly.
While Ryan and I were broken up, I started spending time with different guys. Obviously, after just ending a long term relationship, the best idea was not to jump right back into a relationship. I did not do that at all because I was too busy dating and hanging out with numerous guys. Dating or being able to freely flirt with guys was new to me since I had been dating Ryan for so long. There is one guy in particular that I was into very much, Ben. He was the one exception to me not wanting to jump into dating. He and I hung out my first day at ISU and continued hanging out until I graduated. Our "relationship" was never serious, but we always had a really amazing time together. He was very high energy and gave me the attention I needed at that point of my life. I would often spend the night with him and enjoyed being in his presence. We were unable to date for a long period of time due to him also knowing Ryan. I hated how complicated it was because I truly liked Ben and the way he made me feel. I was having so many issues internally and he was one of those people who just helped all that go away. I mention Ben because I had a really hard time getting over him and it was always really hard seeing him at parties knowing the kind of relationship I desired to have with him. This lead to me drinking even heavier and a period of unhappiness. I have never admitted that before because for a long time I preferred people to believe certain things didn't bother me. Luckily, Ben and I were always able to maintain a friendship and I now realize that was for the better.
That same year, my grandma Rita, passed away. This was a super hard time for me because I spent almost every Sunday with her and she was the core of our family. We were not very close in the sense of knowing one another on a personal level, but I learned a lot about family values and being a good person from her. Everyone always came to visit on Sundays to have lunch and relax together. When she became ill, I was away at school which was really stressful for me because more than anything I wanted to be there with her and my mom. It was a lot of really long, depressing visits to the hospital. She passed away in February of 2007. I had a really hard time and went into a mini depression, which I always successfully avoided talking to others about. I cried a ton, I ate very little, and exercise was my source of releasing the stress. I have an easy time accepting death today, but my grandma's death was the hardest for me to accept. I believe there were many reasons for that; she was the first big death in the family, as well as witnessing the hard time my mom and other family members went through because of it.
Not only did my grandma pass away in February 2007, my closest friend, Roy Warner III, passed away in a car accident in November of 2005. I have to be honest and admit that I was obsessed with Roy for many years and looked up to him very much. It started as a cute little crush when we were students at Orland Junior High School, and we remained friends over the years. Like me, Roy had many issues and we connected on a very deep level because of this. We would spend hours talking on the phone daily due to being in different locations, looking at the stars together, and challenging one another to "rap battles". He was such an important person to me. Loosing him was VERY unexpected and hard for me. I felt like the only thing I could do at that point to cope was write my own rap songs out and reach out to his amazing family, especially his mom and sister, Jill. I remember I was at Ryan's house when I found out about Roy's death on someone from high school's Myspace page. I ran out of Ryan's house with a stream of panicky tears and could barely breathe. I remember screaming so loud that all of his neighbors could probably hear me.These were two very significant people in my life and I had a very hard time saying good bye to both of them. Looking back, my drinking and obsessive personality really went into full bloom after these two deaths. I will forever love both of these people and use them now as a tool to help myself push forward with my life. I would hate to feel I am disappointing either of them and still try to make them proud even though they are no longer here with me in person.
By the end of my sophomore year, it was clear that I had lost lots of weight, and part of my mind. Going from a size 4 or 6 in pants to a size 0. Developing odd new eating habits. Becoming dependent on hard alcohol and beer for a good time. That summer was no different. It was actually terribly worse. Being home for the long break did nothing but cause more problems and obsessions for me, but that is the next part of my story.
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| Two of my best friends from college, Chelsea & Kitty. They were insanely supportive friends. |
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| Typical night for me...taking shots. |
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| A boy who had my heart for quite a long time during college. Ben and I "dated" on and off for a bit during my sophomore year of college. I was totally into him and had a really hard time when we weren't seeing one another anymore. |
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| Partying with Kitty |
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| Mikey was one of my closest guy friends in college. |
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| Lots of beer drinking during these years. |
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| Slowly you will see my body become smaller and smaller. |
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| This is my ex-boyfriend of 4 years, Ryan. This was during the brief time in college where we were back together. |
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| A very typical site of me while spending time in my dorm. Taking shots with the roomie. |
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