Vicki Takes On Anorexia : The Beginning of my Junior Year at ISU.

My living situation at ISU was quite different from my sophomore year right from the start. I was a Junior so I was allowed to live in an apartment on or off campus. I hated feeling so trapped and accountable for having to follow rules in the dorms, so I loved the idea of living off campus.This meant I could drink in my own home without anyone telling me what to do. This meant having my own room, as opposed to sharing a mini dorm with a girl I barely knew. It meant having more freedom to hide my new addiction to working out and counting calories. I ended up living with two friends from High School, as well as one of their other friends. We lived in a very cute little place near my old dorm. It was in a really ideal location for getting to and from class and work, as well as centrally located to all the places I partied. This was my first time living in an apartment with friends, and I was very eager, even if we were not very close friends. My living situation with them worked out just fine because I was out so often and barely saw them. We had very opposite work and school schedules, so we saw each other only in the evenings. I spent most of my time at Ben's apartment and other friends from that same friend circle during the beginning of this year. My sister was also attending Illinois State this year, which I was totally jazzed about since we were very close at this time. I began the school year as if summer break had never happened. I was drinking right from the first day back to the point of blacking out. I was spending multiple nights a week drinking and hanging out late at friends houses or parties. I was at the peak of my social life and loving every moment of it.

My Roommates my Junior Year @ ISU.


My Roomies during Junior Year.

Jumped right back into the party life

Just playing the digderidoo

On the floor drunk with Jon

The Amazing Ben

Please, keep in mind that during all this partying I was still maintaining straight A's and was becoming even more involved on campus.I was always part of the Student Education Association (SEA) at Illinois State. The first year I was just a member who attended meetings but knew my leaders pretty well from taking the time to get to know them. My junior year I ran as Social Chair and was elected by other members in the group. We were a very large group on our campus since Illinois State was known for their education program. I was thrilled to be promoted to Social Chair and took a lot of pride in my position. I was a perfectionist so I had no doubts I would do well. I built up an outstanding committee with really dedicated people. We planned fantastic socials and dances. I loved having the power over another area in my life. I did whatever it took to see that all the events went perfectly and worked around my rigid schedules. I would select meetings around my meal times and on days that didn't interfere with my partying. I would sometimes leave SEA meetings early just to make it home to eat at the time I desired or leave enough time to work out before going to bed for the evening. I have one very clear memory of how largely my eating disorder affected me, even when I didn't realize it. I had planned a dance for all the SEA members. I had to plan every little detail. Where the event would be located. The date and time of the event. Who would do the catering. How much money we had in the budget for the event. The design and color of the invitations. The design and color of the tickets. Who would set up the event. How to reach out to members. Who was attending . What should the dress code be. How fancy are people willing to get for a dance in college. Are people allowed to bring guests from outside the association. The list goes on. I worked my ass off for this event because I wanted to show everyone how dedicated I was to my position and help make these events desirable for people to attend on their precious Friday night. The formal went amazing. Everyone loved it and we had a large attendance. My sister, our friends, and numerous members attended. Everyone socialized. Everyone danced. And everyone ate...but me. I was a vegetarian at the time and majority of the food was ordered with my eating habits in mind. Even though I consciously made sure to order vegetarian pasta, salad, and bread, I still chose to play a game with myself that night. Before attending the event, I remember taking several shots with my sister and friends. I had worked so hard to plan this event, and just needed something to take the edge off. I did not go to the dance drunk, because again, I was still very professional and worried about making everything perfect. While everyone else was eating I took a small salad and shuffled it around making it look as if I was eating more than I really was. I would go up there to make it appear as if I was taking more food but was really just adding a piece or two of lettuce to my barely touched plate. No one noticed which was amazing. My friends were watching me closely by this point because my weight was decreasing rapidly. After the social, my boyfriend at the time, Franke, picked us all up to go over to his apartment. Before getting there he made a special stop to the liquor store to get all the ingredients to make us "Vegas Bombs" for the night. These were my favorite shots and he wanted me to feel special after all the hard work I put into the dance. Needless to say, I didn't make it for more than an hour or two that night because I had not eaten during this long evening and then added tons of alcohol on top of it. I lied to Franke and my friends and told them I had eaten pasta and bread at the dance and that the shots must have been hitting me fast that evening. I blacked out on the couch, and then in Franke's bed, as I had a tendency to do, and didn't wake up until the next morning. Rather than celebrating in a positive manner how successful my evening was, I chose to drowned my body with alcohol and act as if the eating disorder didn't exist. This is one of the many stories like this you will hear while reading my blog.

Some of my absolute best friends during Junior Year.

Already a little sauced before the dance.

Me and my boyfriend at the time, Franke.

My fellow SEA committee members.

Wild Dancing

Check out that boney chest and child sized arms.

My love, Anal.

Above I brought up the phrase "rigid schedules". This would be a good point to bring up my new obsessions that formed over the summer 2007 and became rapidly worse once returning to school. I had officially became vegetarian at some point over the summer, not exactly sure when but I know it was closer to the end. My parents were paying for my groceries while I was away at school and I took advantage of that by filling my fridge and pantry with raw veggies, Silk soy milk, Special K Red Berry cereal, Boca Burgers, and canned green beans. Over the summer I was eating very similar foods as well. Once in my new apartment I isolated myself very much from my roommates. I didn't hang out in the common areas and I chose to eat all my meals in my room in private. Secretly, I knew that would prevent my roommates from observing my obnoxiously small meals or picky ways in means of consuming my meals. I would keep some items in a mini fridge in my room. I was taking over 15 credit hours a semester. I was working at Metcalf, an elementary school on campus as a lunch monitor. I was walking any free moment I had. I would tell myself it was acceptable and normal by calling my friends or family while doing so. That way it appeared as if I was making time to chat with these people, as opposed to just focusing on being active. That same year I joined the Rec Center off campus where I attended the gym almost daily. I went to all my classes. I drank almost every night. I ate little at meals daily, rotating lunch and dinner occasionally.

I had a few classes with my roommate Rachel because we are both Elementary Education majors. During class, we both worked very hard and took notes as we were taught. The difference between Rachel and I was that while taking notes I was also internally obsessing about when I would have time to exercise that day and what my meal plan and calorie intake would be for that day. I would write out lists EVERY DAY of what I was going to eat that day, along with the exact number of calories each item contained. I would always over estimate to be sure that I was not underestimating the amount of food I was consuming. I was writing these lists in every class, multiple times during each class. I would write and rewrite the totals and see where I could tweak them. I wasn't able to focus on the teacher because I started to become so consumed by these numbers and totals. I would master these counts until I had my total intake number at a point I was satisfied with. I can remember the number 1,300 calories being an average for awhile...but that number was also connected to 3-5 hours of walking and working out a day. Those 1,300 calories a day consisted of the following:

Breakfast

1 cup of Special K Red Berries Cereal (110 cal.)
1/2 cup of Silk Plain Soy Milk (60 cal.)
One large banana (120 cal.)

Lunch

Raw vegetables with dressing (70 cal.)
Veggie Burger with bread and mustard or something similar (300 cal.)
Fruit (100 cal.)

Dinner

1 Cup of Cooked Brown Rice (150 cal.)
6 Soy Nuggets (160 cal.)
Can of Green Beans (70 cal.)

Snack

Apple (80 cal.)
Grapes (80 cal.)

The sad part about the above numbers and diet choices were that this was a high point for me during my Junior year. I was rapidly reducing the amount I was eating by the week. I went from 1 cup of cereal to 1/2 a cup within a few months. I would sit in my room by myself in the mornings with my measuring cups until the amount of flakes filled the cup perfectly. Once it was filled perfectly to one cup I would dump the cereal into my bowl. It didn't end there. I would look at each and every flake and dried berry before pouring the milk on the cereal. I would analyze each flake and find something wrong with random flakes here and there and throw them away. I would cry sometimes because by the time I was done there would be about 10 flakes left total and I would consider not having any at all. This is when I started reducing the amount of soy milk I was putting into my cereal as well. I realized I didn't need a half cup of soy milk for such a small amount of cereal, so I replaced the half cup serving with a tiny cap full. Yes, the cap from the top of the carton. Basically, a splash of soy milk with my 10 flakes of cereal, and a banana that I would on occasion rip the brown parts off of to reduce the calories from that. I would also drink green tea every morning in hopes to boost my metabolism even more. I didn't just pick my food with breakfast, I did this for every meal of the day. At first I was shy about doing this in front of other people, but with time I didn't care who was around and I would be stuck in my ways. Each and every meal was greatly reduced from August 2007 until December 2007. I was down to 595 calories a day with at least 6 hours of exercise. My meals then turned into this compared to above:

Breakfast

10 flakes of Special K Red Berries Cereal (20 cal.)
1 cap full of Silk Plain Soy Milk (10 cal.)
Most of one large banana (80 cal.)

Lunch

Raw vegetables without dressing (30 cal.)
Veggie Burger without bread and mustard or something similar (100 cal.)
Fruit (100 cal.)

Dinner

1/4 Cup of Cooked Brown Rice (40 cal.)
3 Soy Nuggets (80cal.)
1/2 Can of Green Beans (35 cal.)

Snack

1/2 Apple (40 cal.)
Grapes (60 cal.)

This is going to be a really detailed part of my eating disorder so I will publish this portion and continue on with my story in the next post. The next part is going to fully introduce my amazing boyfriend at the time, Franke. He was an insanely huge part of my life during all this. Please include comments and questions if desired.