Vicki Takes On Anorexia : Where Shit Gets Real

The summer after my first semester at ISU looked very similar to the way I lived my life at ISU...minus the heavy drinking at all times. Being at home during the summer break with my family meant that drinking heavily was put on pause for me. Please take into consideration that I was not 21 at this point of my life, so I was unable to go out and purchase my own alcohol. I was not able to be upset about something that was occurring in my life and head to the bars with friends. So what was my alternative to coping with my feelings? You got it; working out for long hours and developing obsessive thoughts about what I was putting into my body.

There is one person and story I did not include in my previous entry. The reason that he was not included is that him and I no longer talk and after hurting him he wants nothing to do with me. Looking back, I totally understand how he must have felt and was he chose to remove me from his life entirely. I feel it is important to include that part of my life but will not be using his name. (if you knew us, you can fill in the blank information yourself). By the end of my sophomore year, I was hanging out with multiple groups of friends. I was having a great time with various outstanding people. Since my first day at Illinois State, I hung out with this specific guy; he was the first person to meet up with me in my new environment, go out with me to party, then come and stay the night at my dorm so I didn't have to be alone on my first evening away from home. We hung out all year but nothing magical happened until the later half of our sophomore year. He and I had gone to high school together and started to become really good friends then during my Junior Year. At that point, I was in a serious relationship with Ryan, so there was no chance of considering this person during that portion of my life. Beginning to date began very randomly and I was so glad it did happen when it did. We began being extra flirty with one another and spending extra time together. We hung out all the time. We dated the end of my sophomore year, which carried into the summer of 2007. He stayed at ISU in a house while I was stuck going back home. Since I had a car, we made it work. I would go down with friends and visit, as well as take trips on my own. He noticed my odd eating habits forming and my changing body. Of course, he didn't mind the hot new body, but when he noticed the rapidly changing habits I was forming with food, he was concerned. I specifically remember sitting on his couch watching television while eating two soy nuggets and Asian coleslaw salad. He looked at me and questioned that was all I was eating for dinner. I told him that was enough and I was just trying to make healthy choices. He kept insisting I eat something else he had in the house or that we go out and get something, but I refused. This is the earliest memory I have of being defensive about my eating habits. I remember being very stand offish after the situation and negative thoughts towards him started brewing in my head.

It was the same visit that he questioned me about my eating that I decided I no longer cared to be in a relationship with him. Just like that, I was able to destroy this outstanding relationship. Naturally, I blamed it on things he was doing. I blamed several of his lifestyle choices, which was clearly not the real issue at hand. I was becoming a total wreck in my mind and that was the easiest thing to use to avoid the actual problem. I still to this day regret the way I hurt him. I was so brutal in the words I chose to explain needing my space from him. It is important to consider that this person was not only the guy I was dating at the time, but a super close friend from high school who I cared about dearly. I was choosing to sacrifice a lot with him just to proceed with this new love affair with an eating disorder.

This was the same summer I went to Florida to visit my cousin Rachel who was living there at the time due to work. I went to see her by myself. This was the first time I took a plane by myself and I was feeling very independent. While I was on my trip, I was still in a relationship with the person spoken about above. During my visit with Rachel, I was exposed to new things that I had never taken the time to give a chance. I have always eaten pretty well known items, and never took the time to go to different health stores to learn more about various other options out there. I believe Rachel was vegan at the time, and if not vegan, certainly vegetarian. Throughout my whole trip I was being introduced to new food items. I learned about Luna Bars, Kombucha , eating greens, and having zero meat in my diet. I was already on the verge of loosing weight and feeling very empowered by doing so. I quickly realized that adapting to a lifestyle more like Rachel would help me achieve loosing more weight even quicker. The whole trip I picked up tips from the way she ate. I realized I too could eat this way and sustain throughout a day. In retrospect it was almost as if I was taking notes the whole time on how she lived. I craved it. I adored what she had. I wanted it myself and knew I could also have it. I remember during my trip we went to PF Channgs and I allowed myself to enjoy some crappy chicken dish. I remember feeling super terrible after and feeling as if I had let myself down. I knew I could have made a healthier choice but justified it being okay because I was on vacation. That was the last time I ever ate at PF Channgs. I was disgusted not so much by the food that was put into my body, but the thought that I let down that power of having control. I did journal on this trip and have those journals today. I will be including journal entries throughout my blog to share with people the crazy thoughts I had.

Journal Entries:

May 21, 2007: She has been making me amazing vegan food this trip. I must admit I may consider becoming vegetarian. I know I could easily do it and I love taking good care of my body and have good health. (However, my live is probably mighty fucked up since I love alcohol- my So Co) I have been sober for 12 days now, which is insane for me. (how sad!) I do want some thought, probably when I am back.
May 21, 2007: Also, this summer I would like to go down to 115 lbs. I know I have lost a lot of weight and I feel great but get (more so earn and work for) a flatter and thinner tummy. People can judge me all they want but this is for myself and my own personal happiness.
May 22, 2007: I need to workout or walk. I feel like I haven't in so long, but my body feels good. I want to stay in shape, healthy, and get a bit smaller.
May 25, 2007: My mom thinks I have an eating problem (A.K.A. anorexic) which is absurd! I just have excellent self control now. And don't enjoy the same foods anymore. I no longer eat meat besides chicken and deli meat turkey. I don't eat much sugar or any sweets. I could go on forever. I know I go a little overboard sometimes. I love how I look and feel now. I feel beyond awesome! I love my body! and I still look healthy.
May 25, 2007: It's 8:30 PM on a Friday night and like usual I have no plans. This makes me miss school so much. Hopefully someone calls me soon, I need a drink. I miss beer pong.
May 30, 2007: (12:20 AM) I feel like all of a sudden my life is a mess. I'm very unhappy with **** and I. Thank God Kelly is home this summer, I need her! She'll help keep me sane. She's an incredible best friend and I am very blessed adn thankful to have her in my life still. My tummy hurts so bad and I am very dizzy! Too much thinking lately. I feel stupid. I am making myself happy tomorrow; fuck being depressed.
May 31, 2007: I walked on the trails with Lauren and Kelly today and also went to the Sportsplex with Molly. It felt good. I have gotten very skinny. I've decided my arms are like a first graders.
June 3, 2007: If I didn't have such awesome friends and family this summer would suck. Tomorrow around 10:30 AM I will walk with Sarah R. I am so addicted to walking and I haven't seen her in about a week!!
June 4, 2007: I am obsessed with loosing weight, working out, and food. It consumes all of my thoughts. Who have I become? -don't get me wrong, I am very happy; also proud of myself.
June 5, 2007: I walked with Kelly today for 1 hour and 20 minutes, a very nice walk. I want to play basketball later too. I am so food obsessed. Why? I've never looked so good before and I love how I look. I try not to think about it, but I do, always.
June 5, 2007: I slept so much today and feel like I ate too much (which I probably didn't).
June 9, 2007: I went to the Sox game on Thursday and got shit wasted. 3 beers chugged before, 1/2 vodka and Gatorade on the train and 3 beers at the game. I was so messed up . I had a lot of fun with Cory though. He is such a good buddy.
June 10, 2007: My mom called my skinny arms "sick" at bags because I was doing awesome.
June 12, 2007: By the way, I am at Zak's hockey game alone. Ha. So I brought my journal. My mom and I made eggplant for dinner and I ate way too much, I might go on a short walk when I get home. I can't control myself when it comes to eggplant. It makes me feel sooo guilty!! (oh well- over and done with.)
June 18, 2007: Back to ISU today! I am so excited, I can't wait to go and spend time with **** and sleep with him! But I went down Saturday with my sister, Winker, and Molly for Ryan's first day in the house. It was so fun even thought I got way too drunk like usual, and blacked out! So stupid! I could have used that time to be with **** more. Oh well.
June 21, 2007: I am really dizzy and weak today. It sucks. I wonder why. Maybe I really don't eat enough. Lately everyone comments on my weight and it's so annoying!!! I just adjusted myself to have a healthier lifestyle and I am very happy. Sadly, I'd still like to loose a little more and have smaller legs. I love how I look now thought. I Just don't want my overall health to be in danger.
June 29, 2007: Everything has changed very much. **** and I are doing great. I have been down there a lot lately keeping him company. I love being there for him, I could tell he really appreciated it! I stayed until Wednesday afternoon. It was nice. **** is quite messy and lady but oh well. Still a super amazing guy. He took me out to dinner Tuesday night, Qdoba, then we went and got really shitty with Meagan and Drew later and god was it great to see them.
June 29, 2007: At first when I left I was happy and felt like I didn't like him as much but I do. I miss him. He's great.
June 29, 2007: I have a problem, which may just be in my head. I feel like I look fatter lately in my stomach and I don't know why. I'm not eating shitty, I still eat mostly fruits and veggies, and walking every day extra long the past few days. I really love my body now and want to stay this way or even smaller. I like that I have super skinny arms and that I've lost a lot of my butt and boobs. My face also looks so much thinner. Tomorrow at the Tominov Grad. Party I am going to use great self control, not over eat or drink alcohol like at Laur's party. I am beyond obsessed with my health and how I look. It is becoming a problem and consuming all my thoughts. Oh well. I love my life and my new look.
July 9, 2007: I went to ISU again this weekend to visit **** but this weekend just wasn't the same. "Living" with him made me feel that he is very lazy, not too responsible, and doesn't care for his health at all. I am very unsure about how I feel now. Also, I spoke to Ryan W. tonight for the first time in months. It was weird. He even came over and talked to me. He looked super good. I need to be wise though and think about this. I can't forget he really hurt me. So confused. Goodnight!
July10, 2007: I would really like to talk to Ryan in person again, soon. I even wish I could right now. I want to hear what is going on in his life. It was so nice to see him and talk to him but now I can't stop thinking about him. It most certainly brought back some old feelings. I couldn't stop smiling or talking. Is this bad? He did pour two beers over my head on purpose. However, I did break his heart, abandoned him at a rough time, and broke up with him with no warning at all. (It was honest at least, but bitchy nonetheless.) My cousin Rachel said to think about it for 48 hours and then see how I feel and if I want to still talk to him then do it! Honestly, I think I will. Today I was already debating if dinner or something like that would be pushing it to catch up. I miss him in my life even if it has to be as just a friend. I mean in reality, this is the guy I felt I'd spend the rest of my life with. I have so much thinking to do. I think **** and I are better off as just friends. I hope he isn't mad and can still be my friend. And now on top of things with ****, I have Ryan on the brain. More than I would like. I mean could I ever seriously give him another change? I am getting way ahead of myself now. Who says he wants anything to do with me? Even as a friend?

This is where this specific pink journal with my name and peace signs on the cover ended. I did not include nearly all the details but the ones that related to the issues I was going through to help put my thoughts into perspective. Majority of this journal was about **** and the ups and down of our relationship. Most was too personal on his part to share with others. I want to show him respect now since I failed to do so then. Sadly, I didn't document what actually happened with my life the rest of that summer, but I am sure it went similar to the rest of it. Unsure of what I was doing. Jumping around from one guy to another because I never processed my real feelings. Lack of eating and tons of exercise.

When I return from this trip things became even more real. That was when I broke up with an amazing guy for lame reasons, treated him like shit, and started really going overboard with restricting myself with food and overexerting myself with exercise. That summer I can clearly remember my friends and family making comments about my weight loss. This did nothing but feed the fuel of my eating disorder fire. I was receiving attention for my thinner body. I was spending any free moment I had exercising. I was constantly walking. During the end of summer I had gone down to ISU once with my friend Sarah to spend time with my friends...and more specifically to see Ben. Even after everything that happened with the other guy, my main focus was still to see Ben. I remember having a really good time with him that evening and waking up with him the next morning, however, due to drinking I can't even remember all the time we spent together that night. I was less focused on the quality of my relationships and more so on the partying and drinking again. I suppose I never felt I had to worry about the relationships themselves because I had so many friends who I was constantly surrounded by. Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends to death and they knew that. The part that really bothers me today is that I spent so much time drinking that I can't remember a lot of what we shared interests in or conversations we had. I spent a lot of time the end of that summer blacking out from drinking and never coping with all these deaths, break ups, and other issues in my life.

I went through so many mini relationships in that short time after breaking up with Ryan. This makes sense to me today because of how I ended things with Ryan and never resolved the way it truly made me feel. It has to be easy to bounce from guy to guy when you never were at peace with yourself for the relationships you have had and broken in your life. I had a really hard accepting and understanding my emotions during this period of my life and I had no idea how to cope with those feelings. Instead I ran from them. I ran to guys. I ran to drinking. I ran to parties. I was not only hurting myself by doing so, but also those incredible people I chose to include along the way of my own destruction.