Linden Oaks. Inpatient. Adult Eating Disorder Unit.

I was admitted to Linden just a few days before Monday, March 17, 2008. It turned out being in Linden Oaks was not very scary after all. Each day I was woken up very early for a nurse to take my vitals. I would go back to sleep until our wake-up call at 7 AM. I had a very hard time getting out of bed each morning and just wanted to sleep. We had a set meal schedule that we followed daily. Each person had their own meal plan designed for them. You had X amount of each area needed: fruit, vegetable, fat, protein, grain, and milk. (Some people had dessert as well) After breakfast we would attend various groups to work on our minds. There were different forms of therapy, such as art and music, as well as religious groups and mixed groups with the adolescents and adults. I was always the one laying in the corner on the bean bag chair struggling to stay awake. To be honest, I gained very little to help my mind during my time at Linden Oaks because I was so focused on eating and getting the hell out of there. Just attending meetings satisfied my mind, even if I was not fully engaged or gaining much from the sessions. I loved doing the art; that was a very helpful way to express myself and still have some of the drawings today. The journaling helped me too, but again, sometimes I was so focused on just the eating or food as opposed to figuring out what brought me to that point. I hated the religion portion and spent the whole time internally laughing about what they were saying. I tuned out a lot during the group sessions because I became bored easily. After groups, we would go to lunch at noon, have more meetings and free time during the day, then have dinner at 5, family visits and phone access for a few hours, then a meeting and lights out. It was a very rigid schedule that I was able to adjust to quickly since routines were something I had been at expert at.

While at Linden, I was vegan when I was admitted and that was not allowed in the center, so I had to switch to a vegetarian diet which was also discouraged. I had a really hard time with the cheese and eggs. I was producing a very raunchy smell because my body was rejecting it. I had a lot of gas and couldn’t help that it was coming out. As far as meals go, I would eat whatever was on my meal card and more because more than anything I just wanted to break out of this place and continue on with my life. I never had any issues completing my meals and actually enjoyed them. I have always been a foodie so it felt nice to let myself enjoy it again with no guilt. When they added a dessert I accepted it with a smile on my face. This was not the case for most patients, because most of my peers there had a very difficult time completing their meals each day and were forced to replace their meal with a drink supplement. During my entire visit at Linden Oaks, I am proud to say that I never had to use a supplement for a meal because I was willing to eat what I was told. I knew it was only going to help me get back to a healthy state again. I was willing to put my control on pause to get out. I made really amazing friends in there and even got along really well with my team. I was journaling again. I gained weight back really quickly during my time in treatment. I was in the 78 percentile for my size within the first 5 or 6 days. I was allowing the weight to come on fast because I knew they wouldn’t have an excuse to keep me in there. While I was there, my family, friends, and Franke visited. I talked to Ryan and many other friends on the phone during my free time. It was really hard to have them come and go, but I had hope I would be reunited with them soon.

My journals were very food focused, here is an example:

Journal Entry- Monday, March 17, 2008

I woke up feeling awesome even though I didn't sleep well. My tummy is still doing very good and regulated.

Breakfast: 
Apple (fruit- extra)
cereal (grain/fruit)
peanut butter (fat/protein)
soy milk/lactose-free milk and water.

Lunch: 
grape juice (fruit)
hot carrots (vegetable)
veggie patty with cheese (protein/grain)
cheese (fat)
hard boiled egg (protein)
lactose-free milk and water.

Dinner: 
Pizza (2 grain, fat, protein)
hot carrots (vegetable)
ranch (fat)

Snack:
Nutrigrain Bar & apple
Cheese Ritz Crackers
3 Gatorade 

It is family day; which has been good. It was nice to openly speak to my parents with Kate (my therapist) but they said I might have to stay here awhile, maybe a month because of my weight. Hopefully it will not take that long though.

Journal Entry- Wednesday, March 19, 2008: 

Beyond eating so much to get better and healthy, I would love to live at home with my mom and dad again. I can't wait to be back there with them. Until recently, I never wanted so badly to be close to them and make them proud. I love them and my sister so much and I want so badly to be better and happy with them again. Lauren makes me smile so much and I hate to know she had to watch her older sister crumble to the ground. She needs me and I need her and even though her way of dealing with it was being mean to me, she stuck by my side. ISU would have crushed me faster without her. Being away at school helped my eating disorder develop and I never realized how badly until today in group. It gave me room to hide from my parents and other forms of help. Them pulling me out of school was the greatest thing they have ever done. My mom and dad saved my life! They could not sit and watch their daughter die. I don't want to die. I won't because of ED...I will not back down and will get out of here healthier and stronger than ever!!! Even in here I want to use my motivation and determination to help these other girls get better as well. I need them and they need me. I would like to believe I can help make a difference.I also can tell I am gaining weight already which feels outstanding. I can feel it in my tummy, thighs, butt, and my arms and all the staff has also noticed all of my high efforts. My doctor is proud and I have staffing tomorrow which hopefully goes great. I know I am doing everything here I can. I eat as much as I can and challenge my meal plans every single day. I just hope all my meals go down as well as they have been. I want to try the grilled cheese today but then I probably need extra cheese for fat which is weird but oh well. I miss grandpa. I still talk to him everyday though so it helps a lot so I know I can comfort him. He needs me and I for sure need him. He has been so brave through all of this even though my eating hurt him so much emotionally. It broke his heart to see him watch his "favorite" granddaughter slowly kill herself and I feel awful that I put him through that; him and all my relatives. But I am getting the help I need now and truly at this point this is all that matters.

Practice foods was good- a lot of candy but it tasted good. I missed those scrumptious Reese eggs, they are so outstanding! It was hard for me to see my peers struggle because only days ago I thought that would be me but now I can enjoy all of this in moderation. And I will start to let myself. My mom will be so proud because she loves to munch on her candy bars and those stupid little steps make mama proud. My goal is to be out of here in 2 weeks which seems weird but I know I need to gain quite a bit and realistically I know it will take a long while but I also know I can succeed at home. I am developing so much courage and strength that I kind of freak myself out because I have become a new person. I love who I have become, no fear! Only moving forward, I will take on all of my obstacles. Wow, I do not know why but I feel so great about being here! This is all going to get better, finally!

I miss Kelly a lot, my best friend. She has been incredible through all of this and even thought we have always been close, I feel like my ED has brought us closer together. She has been super supportive! Once I am out I know she will help a lot because she brings out the best in me. We are so silly together which feels great. She lost a friend in an accident this year and another friend was left with a really critical condition. She is doing better now which makes me happy. I said my blessings for those girls. I wish I could have done more for Kelly during that time but she insisted I was such a true friend during that time. It is weird what we all classify as a good friend. Kelly is a great best friend to me.

Journal Entry- March 22, 2008: 

I realized last night that I no longer want to count or look at calories at all after leaving here and no more exercise. (at least for a very long time) Not at all soon, I want to develop a healthy, bigger body first without burning off my calories. I want to eat and enjoy. No Stress. Leaving that all behind.

Coping Skills- If I begin to calorie count when I am moved to outpatient. I will recite a positive phrase or thought. I will remind myself how much I have done for myself and will not let myself fall back. I will think about becoming a teacher and going back to school again. I will say I need those extra calories. They are positive steps at this point. And for exercise, have people be aware I am not tapping my feet or doing any small behaviors. I do not believe I will but you never know what happens. I will make sure I relax a lot with my mom. And spend a lot of time with her around the house. I will play on my lab top a lot. It is a shame I lost all the credit for my classes but it is for the best because how could I focus on school when I need to focus so much on me. I am not used to having to think only about me. I love to consider the others who are around me and who I love.

Journal Entry- March 24, 2008: 

Tips for Outpatient:

• Grocery Shopping 
• Plan Meals
• Do not overwhelm yourself!!!! 
• Don't try to talk to all your friends
• Don't try to e-mail or check all e-mails or Facebook
• No exercise! 
• Just relax! 
• Don't stay by yourself. 

TODAY I OFFICIALLY GO HOME AS AN OUTPATIENT!!!!
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Sadly while I was in there, I realized that my heart was no longer with Franke and that upon being switched to outpatient I needed to end things with him. Even though this was a very wise decision I felt terrible because he had stuck by my side through the absolute worst of times. Even though I had to break up with him, I still loved him. I needed to take care of myself, and I knew being in such a serious relationship was going to take up too much of my time and energy. I received news from my team that I would be moved down to outpatient on March 24^th. That also indicated the day that I would have to call Franke and end things with him, which was not easy but had to be done. I was able to go home with my family that day and it was an amazing feeling.
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Journal Entry- March 26, 2008

So today in group I cried for the first time. It was very shocking but probably a great thing it happened and something I needed to experience. I never show emotion like this and never even feel the need to cry. But it felt good to let it out today. Kendra is really good at holding groups. She asked me to show the pictures I brought in today to our group. (the adult group) The pictures are from sophomore year of college and before then. They all complimented me so much and said I was so beautiful. I was so beautiful and ED destroyed me; I destroyed me. I really do not know what I was thinking. I can not stand that I have done this to myself. Kendra made me look at a picture of my cousin Maggie and I and asked me what this made me feel and how the Vicki in that picture felt and if she was happy. (ah my eyes hurt!) I then started to cry! I do believe now that my disorder started about when Ryan and I officially broke up and at the same time my Grandma passed away. I guess I never looked at it that way. But now it all makes more sense. I never really coped or faced my grandma's death at all. I guess I took all of my pain away through using food as a control.

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Before being moved down to Outpatient, I was given some very helpful advice that I would like to share with others. Whether you have been diagnosed with an eating disorder or not, you may at one point of your life be able to help share this information with a person in need.

The Scariest Part of it All

Going back after winter break was probably one of the worst choices I have ever made in my life. This is where my life crashed and burned. I was no longer drinking and started to enjoy that new lifestyle choice as well. I had enough issues, so drinking and blacking out no longer seemed important to me. Instead I would hide myself from my friends at school while they all partied in Franke's living room. My new safe place was Franke’s room, more specifically his bed. I would listen to everyone having fun until I passed out in his bed, which was normally by 9 PM. They would have to invite themselves into his room in order to see me. My friend Sarah R. would come to his house with a movie while my friends were out partying to keep me company while I lay depressed in his bed.  I would attend very few parties but preferred going to bed by 9 PM instead. My friends had to start coming to me at all times because I had no energy or motive to go to them. I would go to class. I would go to work. I would go home or to Franke's home and I would lay there. When I was not doing these things I was working out non-stop. I was so frail. It was the winter and it was freezing outside. I was officially losing 2-6 pounds a week. I was wearing several layers of clothing at all times. None of my size double zero pants stayed on my waist so I had to wear two pairs of leggings under each pair I owned. This was not only to help hold the pants up, but also because I was freezing cold all the time. I wore my winter coat while I was in class. I wore two pairs of socks and 3 to 4 shirts on at all times. I was trying to hide myself and my thinness from others. My butt hurt at all times because it was extremely boney. (if you know me today that might seem impossible because I have quite the butt for a white girl) I was constantly moving in my seat in class and excusing myself to use the bathroom in order to give my butt some relief. I felt impulsive about getting up to use the bathroom in order to move around, I felt like my body was being lazy when sitting in a 2 to 3 hour class. My hair was becoming brittle and my nails were starting to thin. I had no idea how bad I was until my parents gave me an ultimatum. 

 Once I went back to school after winter break it was January 2008. My parents had insisted that if I went back to ISU that I started seeing a dietitian on campus. My dietitian and I had a very difficult relationship even though I absolutely adored this cute little woman. He name is Dianne Feasley and we are still very close today. I would visit her office once a week. We would meet for 30-45 minutes. She would ask about my diet, my exercise, and my lifestyle in general. I would provide her answers. She would then give me advice. Sadly, I was too far gone at this point. She referred me to a doctor, Dr. Weis, to be sure my vitals were okay since I was so underweight. I then was referred to a therapist as well. The therapist did absolutely nothing for me because we did not connect at all. If anything it was a burden because it took away from my workouts and took up an hour of time I could be studying. Seeing Dianne was helpful but I absorbed and retained little that she said. She would beg me to add just two carrots to my salad or one almond to my salad and I just could not get myself to do so. I hated feeling as if someone was trying to make choices for me. I went the opposite direction. I ate less and less. She was brilliant. She worked really hard to attempt in helping me to a point of stability. Sadly, it was out of her control. She had no control over what I chose to do outside of her office. I basically did everything she had asked me not to do. I restricted more. I eliminated all fats from my diet. I eliminated snacks. I worked out even more. I isolated myself from everyone I loved except Franke for the most part. Even my time with him was becoming a routine. I had my own agenda and he just worked around what I would give him. 

I would go see my doctor one time a week at first. He would blind weigh me and inquire about what I was eating and how often I was working out. I started seeing him in January. He was doing blind weight each week, but I never informed him that I knew my weight because I would weigh myself at least 3 times a day during my morning sessions at the gym. At first, I would lose one or two pounds a week, which was worrisome enough. Once he started seeing this pattern continue, I had to go on Monday and Friday of each week. By mid-March, I was losing 3-6 pounds a week. Everything I did was a struggle and I had little social interactions anymore. I was still pushing myself to attend the gym. My friends there, as well as staff members would kindly ask me to go home and take care of myself and said that I had no business being there. I brushed past them and went on with my workout. Going out on dates with Franke was becoming nearly impossible. I will never forget one evening I was getting ready at my apartment to go out on a date with him. As I was getting ready, I noticed my frail body in the mirror and that I had bruises on my hip bones. I took off any remaining clothes and jumped in the shower. In the shower I experienced something my body has never experienced before and I hope will never experience again. My caving in butt starting pooping everywhere in the shower without me feeling any sort of sensation. My body was taking control of me and I had no way to stop it. I even remember trying to clench my butt muscles to stop what was happening to me, but nothing worked. It just ran out of me like a waterfall. I felt so mortified and had no idea what to make of the situation. After I finished my shower and made sure that any remains of what happened were gone, I proceeded to get dressed. I wore a pink long sleeve top with two pairs of leggings with black skinny jeans. I remember being freezing that night at dinner because I didn’t wear numerous shirts as usual because I wanted to feel pretty for him. That night for dinner I had an iceberg lettuce salad with added cooked peas. I had to excuse myself from the table at least 5 times to use the bathroom because I couldn’t stop going poop. I felt terrible and this was the first time I realized something was clearly wrong with me. I had no control over basic body functions. The little bit of food I was eating, my body was rejecting. That night we were unable to do anything but bring me home and put me into bed. That was the same night that Franke laid in bed with me crying because of everything that was happening to me. He was always expressing deep concern but he had finally reached his breaking point. I hated that I was hurting him and that this was starting to deeply affect our relationship. I was very emotionally withdrawn from him, even though I loved him dearly and appreciated everything he did for me. It was the same thing with my friends; I couldn’t focus on maintaining those friendships because I was so far gone with the eating disorder and didn’t even know how to tend to my own needs or wellbeing. The week after that date I went into the doctor’s office to find out some life changing news. 

Dr. Weis informed me that after talking to my dad and the board counsel at ISU that they have decided I could no longer continue at ISU after spring break 2008 until I found medical help.  I was devastated but also didn’t believe this. I believed if I went home for that break that I would be able to talk to my parents and figure something out before heading back to school. I was very wrong. I never was able to say goodbye to my friends at ISU before being medically withdrawn for a semester. Majority of my possessions were still there. I went home the first week of March just like any of my friends. I hung out that break but saw my life crumbling before my eyes. Everything about being home was difficult and emotionally draining. My parent’s house has very steep stairs leading to my bedroom. During that break I reached a point I could no longer walk those stairs. I reached a point I couldn’t sleep at night because my bones were protruding into the bed springs. I was literally skin and bones.  My hips always hurt. My butt always hurt. Mostly everything on my body was in pain at all times. I remember while I was home my parents informed me that they had made an appointment for me to be assessed at Linden Oaks Hospital in Naperville. I freaked out and had a total breakdown. I didn’t believe them until the night before when a bunch of my friends from school and family showed up at my house. We just sat there and talked and it was so awkward because they knew what was ahead for me and I was in complete denial. I told my parents I would go to the assessment but refused to stay in an inpatient treatment center. I said I would work with a dietitian on my eating and a therapist on my mind. I remember everyone being very sad that night and trying to pretend to be happy. I remember drinking a very small glass of chocolate soy milk and saying “See, I can do it you guys, it is okay.” At that point I thought all my issues were really just about what I was consuming as opposed to why I was using food as a control. 

The morning of my hospital visit was very scary. I could barely wake up that morning and had no energy. I knew this was an appointment based upon me and only me, and I was terrified. I honestly didn’t think they would keep me as an inpatient or that there would be any other complications with my health. This event was a family affair, so my sister, dad, and mom were all present. We entered the office and I went in for my assessment.  They were in the room with me at all times. I filled out the survey and talked to a woman about my responses so she had a better understanding. I made it very clear I was not willing to stay for an inpatient program and would perhaps seek outpatient help. After the conversation, she took my vitals and then returned to the room a bit later with a very worried look on her face. She told me she needed me to sit in a wheel chair and that I needed to be admitted into the emergency room at Edwards Hospital to equalize my vitals. She said many things in my body were failing and that I needed to seek immediate medical assistance. I was put into the E.R. straight from the assessment room. Before I knew it I was connected to an IV, naked under my hospital gown, shivering in a giant two person room that I was lucky enough to have to myself. I had one of those little yellow signs on my door that noted “intensive care”, as well as that I needed to be monitored at all times. My whole family was a mess and this was hardly what any of us had expected from this assessment. I could barely move even in my hospital bed. I had to be handed things that were near in proximity. I needed someone to help me get up and head to the bathroom. The first day I had a catheter because I was unable to get myself up to use the bathroom quick enough. They told me I should be in there for a few hours to improve my vitals and that I would then be admitted into the inpatient unit at Linden Oaks Hospital. I had no choice. I needed to be put into inpatient care; they were not giving me an option at this point. This visit that was supposed to be a few hours turned into much more due to the severe state my health was at. I was connected to an IV and wasn’t taken off of one for 3 whole days. I had to practice walking during my time in there because my body was shutting down. My cousin would come visit me and rub my whole boney body down with lotion because I was becoming so dry. I couldn’t stand to take a shower so I had to sit on the stall floor in order to bathe. The team at Edwards hospital was amazing. They were really supportive and gave me the strength I needed to gain hope for myself. I had the exact personality in that hospital that my Grandpa had during his visits at the hospital. I looked at my doctors and nurses for entertainment through conversation and joking around with them. They loved my bright spirit despite the state I had brought my health to. Because of those amazing people, and my friends and family, I was able to push forward. My family or friends were with me at all times. Everyone was terrified but we made it through. My best friend Kelly and my sister Lauren even stayed with me overnight in the hospital one night just to keep me company. They didn’t want me to feel alone. Friends and family came to visit me. Over those three days I was able to gain nutrients I was deprived of into my body. A nurse had to take my weight in the middle of the night one of those nights. She was a nurse who had no idea of my situation and clearly didn’t read the huge yellow note on my file saying to NOT INFORM PATIENT OF THEIR WEIGHT. I asked her, being a sneaky little Vick, and she informed me that my weight was at 80 pounds even. 80 pounds! Yikes. That is half of what I am today. When she told me she followed it with “oh honey, you need to put some weight on you.” That night I laid in bed thinking how lucky I was that I was even alive. How in the world did my body make it through such abuse? If I had gone just one day later, would I have even made it? My parent's saved my life for taking control out of my hands.

Once I was stabilized, they put me into a wheel chair and admitted me to Edwards Hospital across the way. I was being admitted into the adult eating disorder unit. I was so scared and had no idea what to expect. I didn’t even get to go home as anticipated after my assessment. Luckily, my parents were able to go home and they packed a bag for me. They had no idea how long I would have to stay inpatient and I had no knowledge of how long a typical visit was for such a situation. It was so hard saying bye to my parents but I knew this was something I had to do if I ever wanted to spend time with my family again. I was killing myself slowly and this treatment center seemed to be the only thing I had confidence in to help me through it.  So that night, I arrived at Linden Oaks and started working with a whole team to help me through my struggles. I had a dietitian named Jane, a therapist, Kate, and a series of doctors. I was shown to my room which was shared with another older woman. I was given our strict schedules and my meal plan. That is when it hit me that I was stuck behind those doors and there was no way out. The only way out was gaining weight and doing exactly what I was told.

New Apartment, Same Friends. New Boyfriend, Same Bad Habits.

I moved into my first apartment on August 15, 2007. I lived on Locust St. and Fell Ave. in Normal, Illinois. It was a newly built, beautiful apartment building. I moved in with Rachel, Kim, and Rachel. As stated before we were not close friends by any means, but we made it work. Out of all of them I was closest with Rachel M. We had known each other since we were very little girls. We went to the same elementary school and attended each others birthday parties. It is kind of scary because I lived with these girls from August 2007-March 2008, yet I have very little memories of my time living with them. I would like to blame that on the eating disorder because anorexia and anxiety consumed all my thoughts. I think the only time I really talked to any of them was when it came to bills or school assignments with Rachel. We never really hung out. I was never really home. I was either at class. At work. At a friend's house. Or out somewhere on my bike or feet. Rather than being eager about this gorgeous new home that I had, I was only thinking about the time outside of there. While I was in the house I was either sleeping, studying, or feeling super anxious about anything I possibly could.I spent so much time dwelling on food, calories, working out, and perfecting all of those subjects stated.

On my first day of Junior Year, I moved all my things into my room and went out that night with my sister (Lauren), Anna, and some other friends. We went over to the Jon's house to pick up where we left off. We were such close friends I felt comfortable to go over in my tank top, sports bra and soccer shorts. I had a Keystone Light in hand the entire night and was accompanied by so many of my favorite people. Right upon walking in I received a lot of comments about how thin I had gotten over the summer but never fully acknowledged those comments from my friends. I would just respond by saying "yeah, I have been watching what I am eating and working out more often". I never made a big deal about the weight loss because that was never my largest goal. I also didn't want people pointing that out because I knew that working out was something I was starting to become addicted to. I didn't need my friends to know that when I was between classes I was running until I couldn't run anymore, or that I would walk any spare moment I had or take extra long routes to get to my destination just to be walking for longer durations. I choose to spend all my time with my closest friends and had them completely fooled during the beginning. They saw me all the time and my quirks were not yet apparent to them.

First night back at ISU my Junior Year!

Let the madness of Junior year begin...

Living in an apartment as opposed to the dorms made it much easier to change my eating habits. I constantly had access to various food options while in the dorms and was able to choose whatever I desired at that moment. It was easier to pick up "junk" food there. While living in an apartment, I had to do my own grocery shopping. This is the point of my life where I started to get really bad anxiety at the grocery stores and spent hours there being indecisive about my purchases.  I would put items into my cart and later return them to the shelves because they contained too many calories or too much fat. I would examine each piece of fruit until I found the perfect piece. That meant not bruises or bumps, as well as being the perfect size for a serving. I never allowed myself to buy anything that was "too big" because I knew that just meant more calories. I realized that basically every item in the store had an option for low-fat or fat free, and decided that would be a good switch to make in my purchases. Everything I consumed was almost completely fat free. This was a must for me. I also had very little food in my pantries because I would only buy what I was going to eat for that week to prevent myself from overeating or having extra snacks or servings. I would measure out every little thing that I ate. I had to have the exact serving of pasta, and of course it had to be a wheat variety. I would measure out the amount of pasta sauce according to the serving on the jar. I would limit myself to one small slice of garlic bread, but eventually removed that entirely because I felt that was more than I needed. This was every meal, not just when I ate pasta. Everything was perfectly measured and very well thought out in advanced. I even started keeping a set of measuring cups and spoons in my bedroom to have access to them at all times. I couldn't bare to think of them being dirty in the dishwasher and unavailable to use. I would wash them after each use and tuck them away in my computer desk drawer. There was never a time I consumed a meal that was not thought out or prepared ahead of time. Each meal was planned according to my ideal calorie intake. At the beginning, when I was living at home, all the portions were very normal for a person who was watching their eating. The only problem with that was that it was still no where near enough for me because I was so active. I had not motive to increase my food intake due to the large increase in my daily activity. I was beginning to love the fact that I could eat so little and work out so much and still "be in control of my life". I saw nothing wrong with the way that I was handling my health. This did not last for long due to having other people in my life who were trying to help me realize I had a problem.

From August until September 2007, I had a great time at Illinois State. I was with friends all the time, doing really well in my classes, I was the Social Chair of my Education Committee, as well as beginning to crush on someone who is extremely important in my story. Within a month of beginning my Junior year, I was out every day. Within that same month, I started noticing Franke more and more when I would see him at parties. Him and I had known each other since I started at ISU since we had the same friend circle but didn't really start talking until the end of my Sophomore year, and of course, the beginning of my Junior year. At this point, we had starting talking more and eventually things just clicked for us. I was absolutely crazy about him and he was totally crazy about me. I think it took people by surprise because I had always been really flirty with other people from that friend group. Giving Franke a chance and getting to know him was one of the greatest choices I made during my college experience. I wanted to be with this boy all the time. He was beyond sweet and caring with me. He was everything I needed to help nurture these crazy food and exercise thoughts I was having in my brain.I remember really falling for him during a Chicago Bears game/party the guys had at Franke's place and Ben's place. People were going from one place to anther because they lived in the same complex. I tended to keep drifting towards the party down at Franke's because that is where he was at. I spent tons of time flirting with him that day. From that day, Franke and I dated until I went into treatment for anorexia. I stayed with him at his apartment almost every night, he would even occasionally stay at mine. We went on dates. We drank together. We did everything together. We spent a lot of time just relaxing together and talking. Of course, I was MIA a lot because I would be out walking around campus or on the trail, but I tended to give him tons of attention which felt great. I had little focus on anything else in my life but there was something about him that pulled me in and kept me there. Of course, my eating disorder became noticeable in our relationship over time and that is where things had to change.

At a party with Franke.

Night out with Franke.

Bears game up at Ben's Place.

Watching the Bears Game with Franke & Pfister.

More Bears Game Pics.

Night after the Bears Game party.

I remember I felt that my eating disorder and physical appearance were not that noticeable until my 21st birthday. At this point, I was already really thin. Wearing size zero jeans and x-small clothing. I was going to the gym every morning before classes. I was spending any time I was not working out with Franke and our friends. My parents didn't see me too often while I was away because I never wanted to go home. I hated the thought of missing a party or being out of my routines with food and exercise. My parents came down to visit me for my 21st birthday and it was very hard for them. This is the first time I was presented as having an actual problem. They met me at my apartment on Fell Ave. and right when they walked in they looked at me as if they had never seen me before. They tried their best to look happy but looked more concerned than anything. We enjoyed an evening together and they took me out to dinner for my birthday, a few days before the official day. I remember making a point to eat "normally" to ease some of the awkwardness. That was really hard for me because my body was not used to that much food.  They made many comments about my size and inquired about how I was living my life. They knew I was walking all the time because I was constantly calling them on the phone to chat during my long walks, especially my mom. My dad and I were not as close as we are now at this point of my life. They were also aware that I spent all of my weekends drinking and partying. They knew I had a new boyfriend I was crazy about and I believe they met him when they were in town that weekend. After they left that weekend, my childhood best friend Dea came into town for a night to visit me. She had concerns about how thin I had become as well but tried not to make a huge deal about it. We all hung out. We all drank. It was great.

My 21st Birthday Celebration with Mom & Dad.

The night of my 21st birthday was a complete disaster. Even as someone who was used to going out and drinking until they couldn't stand, I knew I had gone overboard. We had multiple mini parties all weekend at Franke's apartment, as well as going out and doing various other things in honor of my birthday. My sister is two years younger than me, as well as some of our friends, and so we had to drink before I went to the bars at midnight in order to celebrate with them. We drank all day in my room, and then went to Ben's to drink and take shots. I was super wasted before going out with Franke, Mikey, Ben, and the Jons. Did that stop me though? No, it never did. I made it to Pub II which was one of the guys favorite bars near us. I remember taking only two shots that night and not remembering a single thing afterwards. (I do know that I had plenty more shots than that though). Somehow the guys managed to get me back home that night, I have no recollection of this. I woke up the next morning and skipped my classes, which I had never done before. When I woke up I was on Franke's futon and had peed myself from being so intoxicated...and underweight and malnourished.  I had never done something like that before and it really grossed me out but I clearly never learned from that experience. I laid on the bed for a long time and didn't move until it was time for me to go to work at Metcalf that day. I was a lunch monitor and some how made it to work...but was still totally drunk and not at all myself. My boss could tell something was up but we were very close so she didn't say anything since I always got my job done. This is exactly when things started to go downhill very quickly. It was every time that I drank almost that I had an "accident" and my eating was becoming fewer and far between.

Birthday Dinner at Carlos O' Kelly's

Dinner with Sis

21st Birthday Dinner with Franke

Two of my Favorite People on my Big Birthday!

21st Birthday Night Out with  Franke & McDonald.

Pub II

Sarah joined us at the bar

That day I went to work drunk was my actual birthday. I remember not really eating that day because I knew I was going out to dinner with my friends to Carlos O'Kellys that night. I couldn't bare to think of eating when I knew that a large Mexican meal was  ahead of me, as well as plenty of more drinking. After I attended a few of my afternoon classes, as well as went home and napped, my friends came over to start getting ready for our night. I told them I didn't think I was going to drink, but I as wrong again. We started drinking at my apartment and eventually left and went out to dinner with a large group. I drank 2 very large margaritas there. I was loving the drink and didn't take too much time to think about food. I was surrounded by at least 10-15 of my closest friends and tried to move around to talk to everyone as much as possible. I did whatever I could to avoid eating and having people notice I was not taking in much food. Needless to say, I barely ate anything but some chips and salsa that day and ended up going out later that night to the bars...again. We had a really wonderful time and I do not think I blacked out that time, which must have felt nice compared to the night I went through just before.

I can't exactly tell you when Franke and our close friends starting coming to me with concerns about my weight, but I know it was just around this time. My habits were becoming very obvious and I was not trying to hide it anymore. It has taken me over and I was very known for my lack of eating habits, large drinking binges, and addition to exercise. Franke and I continued to date. My friends and I continued to spend time together. My life is very fuzzy at this point because all I can fucking remember is writing out what I was going to eat for that day...the next day....the entire week...and eventually an entire month plan. My meals were almost the exact same every day, yet I felt the need to continue to write it out for reassurance over and over again. I honestly remember most of this part of my life being about writing out numbers, panicking in the grocery store, and blacking out when drinking. I spent the holidays with Franke and my family. We had a wonderful time together and I was even getting to know his mom. That was a very hard Christmas break for me because I continued to loose weight and increase my amount of exercise and obsessions during my time at home. My parents expressed deep concerns for me at this point, but I insisted on going back to ISU after the break ended.

It was my close friend Molly's 21st birthday while I was home for that break. Franke came into town and he and I went out with her to Sam McGuires, a local bar in Orland Park. We were drinking before we left to go to the bar...I was drinking Bud Select because of the obvious reasons...it only contained 55 calories. We went to Chili's for dinner prior to going out and I recall just eating chips and salsa so I had something in my stomach to sustain later that evening. I do not remember a damn thing from the bar or celebrating Molly's birthday later that evening. I know I had fun but it was because I was with two people I adored and beyond intoxicated. That night my sister picked us up from the bar. I passed out on the floor that evening at my parent's house, and Franke came to my side. When I woke up the next morning I was still pretty tipsy feeling due to the amount I took in that night. About an hour later, Franke and I were cleaning up the living area from our blankets. As I picked up a blanket, I saw a huge puddle on my parent's carpet. I assumed my dog peed on the floor. After thinking about it, I realized that is exactly where I was sleeping and that I had peed on the floor. How embarrassing. I had done this numerous times after partying at school but this was different because it was in my parent's home. They do not deserve to have to put up with those behaviors. They raised me better than that. I cleaned up my own mess but led my family to believe my dog did it. I am sure Franke knew the truth and perhaps even my parents. After that night, I decided to give up drinking. I could not take it anymore. I knew my body was too small and was rejecting the neglect I continued to provide it. That was December 19, 2007. My very last drink for a very long time.

Molly's 21st Birthday at Sam McGuires

Far too gone!

Check out my skinny ass arms by the time Christmas 2007 came.

Christmas 2007 with my family

Spent Christmas night at Franke's house.

My Deepest Apologizes...

To All My Illinois State Friends, 

For several years now, I have avoided acknowledging my feelings and thoughts about my friends from ISU and how much they mean to me. I was afraid that they would hate me for pushing them away while I was sick with anorexia. I was afraid of them rejecting my apologizes for vanishing while working on myself. The truth is...my friendships in college were some of the absolute best friendships I have ever gained. Those were the people I spent day in and day out with. Those are the people who I considered not only friends, but a new circle of family. I let my internal issues get the best of me, and I abandoned them when I needed them in my life the most. I didn't really look back. Instead I ran and hid from relationships that meant the world to me. I erased my Facebook account and numerous phone numbers during the time I was sick to avoid having to face these people. I hid in my own world. I was very much alone and hated living my life that way. However, my mind was really wonderful at playing games at this point and I convinced myself that this is what I wanted. I would say this happened completely in December of 2009, once I was home from Illinois State during my student teaching. 

I am someone who does not live their life with regrets, but looking back, I regret so deeply that my mind was such a fucking mess that I intentionally removed these people from my life due to fear of rejection. I should have known better. I know better now. I should have taken the time to think about how much these people offered me during our friendship, during the time I was sick, and shortly after. Clearly, this was the worst of my sickness when I made these choices so I hate to entirely blame myself, because that was hardly my sane self. I just wish I could grabbed control of my life to know that removing these people from my life was not the answer to gaining a healthy life. I can't help that I became sick, but I can help that I chose to eliminate these people from my life. Ugh. The regret that goes along with this choice today. The phenomenal memories that I missed out on due to my choices. I missed seeing everyone graduate, achieve landing their first real job outside of college, so many parties and celebrations, people getting married and having children, and even friends moving to Chicago which is also my home. For example, Kitty was one of my very best friends at ISU. Without knowing it, she and I lived in the same neighborhood for two years in Chicago and I had no idea due to removing her from my Facebook and my phone. When I finally reconnected with her and gained this information I was crushed. I was speaking to her on Facebook chat and began to cry instantly because I was so pissed off at myself for isolating myself so much. Luckily, we have been in contact for a bit now and even were able to see each other a few weeks ago while she was in Chicago. I really hope to reconnect with everyone, just like I did with Kitty, and start hanging out and socializing with the people who do live in Chicago and so near to me. 

There are many of you that I owe an apology to on a very personal level and I am so sorry how my getting sick effected our relationship. This was unfair to me, but also very unfair to you. I know for many of you this may be in the past and you may have forgotten about the ways I have hurt you or left you, but for me this is something really impacting me at the moment. Please look at the pictures below and remember all the amazing times we had together before I got sick or during that time. These pictures make me so happy and I hope they also bring smiles to each of you. 

I am finally ready to accept this part of my life and hope that those fantastic friends from college can forgive me. I can never put into exact words how sorry I am for the choices I made when removing you all from my life. I promise it was never anything personal and entirely to do with my mental state at this point of my life. I am physically and mentally healthy again, and am realizing one of the biggest issues I am having now is that emptiness of these people. I love you all dearly and always have. I hope we can reconnect and pick up our friendship where it left off. 

 <3 Kitty Chelsea, Sara, Meagan S, Sarah P, Rachel, Sao, Pfister, Jean, Jess, Anal, Ashley G, Kali, Anna, Darcy, Sonya, Winker, Sarah R, Christy, Ashley C, Franke, Mikey, Benn, Ryan W, Nick, Doolin, McDonald, Goose, Noah, Travis, Jarrod, Sully, Mena, Kevin W, Tim M, Drew (if I forgot anyone in this list please forgive me, I am doing my best to include everyone)

Kitty

Chelsea

Sara

Meagan

 

Rachel

Sao 

Pfister

Jean

Jess

Anal

Ashley G.

Kali

Anna

Darcy

Sonya

Winker

Sarah R

Christy

Ashley C

Ben

Ryan W

Mikey

Franke

McDonald

Travis

Goose

Nick

Doolin

Noah

Sully

Drew

Kevin

Christy

Mena

Tim M.