The Beginning of my Junior Year at ISU.

My living situation at ISU was quite different from my sophomore year right from the start. I was a Junior so I was allowed to live in an apartment on or off campus. I hated feeling so trapped and accountable for having to follow rules in the dorms, so I loved the idea of living off campus.This meant I could drink in my own home without anyone telling me what to do. This meant having my own room, as opposed to sharing a mini dorm with a girl I barely knew. It meant having more freedom to hide my new addiction to working out and counting calories. I ended up living with two friends from High School, as well as one of their other friends. We lived in a very cute little place near my old dorm. It was in a really ideal location for getting to and from class and work, as well as centrally located to all the places I partied. This was my first time living in an apartment with friends, and I was very eager, even if we were not very close friends. My living situation with them worked out just fine because I was out so often and barely saw them. We had very opposite work and school schedules, so we saw each other only in the evenings. I spent most of my time at Ben's apartment and other friends from that same friend circle during the beginning of this year. My sister was also attending Illinois State this year, which I was totally jazzed about since we were very close at this time. I began the school year as if summer break had never happened. I was drinking right from the first day back to the point of blacking out. I was spending multiple nights a week drinking and hanging out late at friends houses or parties. I was at the peak of my social life and loving every moment of it.

My Roommates my Junior Year @ ISU.

My Roomies during Junior Year. 

Jumped right back into the party life

Just playing the digderidoo

On the floor drunk with Jon

The Amazing Ben

Please, keep in mind that during all this partying I was still maintaining straight A's and was becoming even more involved on campus.I was always part of the Student Education Association (SEA) at Illinois State. The first year I was just a member who attended meetings but knew my leaders pretty well from taking the time to get to know them. My junior year I ran as Social Chair and was elected by other members in the group. We were a very large group on our campus since Illinois State was known for their education program. I was thrilled to be promoted to Social Chair and took a lot of pride in my position. I was a perfectionist so I had no doubts I would do well. I built up an outstanding committee with really dedicated people. We planned fantastic socials and dances. I loved having the power over another area in my life. I did whatever it took to see that all the events went perfectly and worked around my rigid schedules. I would select meetings around my meal times and on days that didn't interfere with my partying. I would sometimes leave SEA meetings early just to make it home to eat at the time I desired or leave enough time to work out before going to bed for the evening. I have one very clear memory of how largely my eating disorder affected me, even when I didn't realize it. I had planned a dance for all the SEA members. I had to plan every little detail. Where the event would be located. The date and time of the event. Who would do the catering. How much money we had in the budget for the event. The design and color of the invitations. The design and color of the tickets. Who would set up the event. How to reach out to members. Who was attending . What should the dress code be. How fancy are people willing to get for a dance in college. Are people allowed to bring guests from outside the association. The list goes on. I worked my ass off for this event because I wanted to show everyone how dedicated I was to my position and help make these events desirable for people to attend on their precious Friday night. The formal went amazing. Everyone loved it and we had a large attendance. My sister, our friends, and numerous members attended. Everyone socialized. Everyone danced. And everyone ate...but me. I was a vegetarian at the time and majority of the food was ordered with my eating habits in mind. Even though I consciously made sure to order vegetarian pasta, salad, and bread, I still chose to play a game with myself that night. Before attending the event, I remember taking several shots with my sister and friends. I had worked so hard to plan this event, and just needed something to take the edge off. I did not go to the dance drunk, because again, I was still very professional and worried about making everything perfect. While everyone else was eating I took a small salad and shuffled it around making it look as if I was eating more than I really was. I would go up there to make it appear as if I was taking more food but was really just adding a piece or two of lettuce to my barely touched plate. No one noticed which was amazing. My friends were watching me closely by this point because my weight was decreasing rapidly. After the social, my boyfriend at the time, Franke, picked us all up to go over to his apartment. Before getting there he made a special stop to the liquor store to get all the ingredients to make us "Vegas Bombs" for the night. These were my favorite shots and he wanted me to feel special after all the hard work I put into the dance. Needless to say, I didn't make it for more than an hour or two that night because I had not eaten during this long evening and then added tons of alcohol on top of it. I lied to Franke and my friends and told them I had eaten pasta and bread at the dance and that the shots must have been hitting me fast that evening. I blacked out on the couch, and then in Franke's bed, as I had a tendency to do, and didn't wake up until the next morning. Rather than celebrating in a positive manner how successful my evening was, I chose to drowned my body with alcohol and act as if the eating disorder didn't exist. This is one of the many stories like this you will hear while reading my blog.

Some of my absolute best friends during Junior Year.

Already a little sauced before the dance.

Me and my boyfriend at the time, Franke.

My fellow SEA committee members.

Wild Dancing

Check out that boney chest and child sized arms.

My love, Anal.

Above I brought up the phrase "rigid schedules". This would be a good point to bring up my new obsessions that formed over the summer 2007 and became rapidly worse once returning to school. I had officially became vegetarian at some point over the summer, not exactly sure when but I know it was closer to the end. My parents were paying for my groceries while I was away at school and I took advantage of that by filling my fridge and pantry with raw veggies, Silk soy milk, Special K Red Berry cereal, Boca Burgers, and canned green beans. Over the summer I was eating very similar foods as well. Once in my new apartment I isolated myself very much from my roommates. I didn't hang out in the common areas and I chose to eat all my meals in my room in private. Secretly, I knew that would prevent my roommates from observing my obnoxiously small meals or picky ways in means of consuming my meals. I would keep some items in a mini fridge in my room. I was taking over 15 credit hours a semester. I was working at Metcalf, an elementary school on campus as a lunch monitor. I was walking any free moment I had. I would tell myself it was acceptable and normal by calling my friends or family while doing so. That way it appeared as if I was making time to chat with these people, as opposed to just focusing on being active. That same year I joined the Rec Center off campus where I attended the gym almost daily. I went to all my classes. I drank almost every night. I ate little at meals daily, rotating lunch and dinner occasionally.

I had a few classes with my roommate Rachel because we are both Elementary Education majors. During class, we both worked very hard and took notes as we were taught. The difference between Rachel and I was that while taking notes I was also internally obsessing about when I would have time to exercise that day and what my meal plan and calorie intake would be for that day. I would write out lists EVERY DAY of what I was going to eat that day, along with the exact number of calories each item contained. I would always over estimate to be sure that I was not underestimating the amount of food I was consuming. I was writing these lists in every class, multiple times during each class. I would write and rewrite the totals and see where I could tweak them. I wasn't able to focus on the teacher because I started to become so consumed by these numbers and totals. I would master these counts until I had my total intake number at a point I was satisfied with. I can remember the number 1,300 calories being an average for awhile...but that number was also connected to 3-5 hours of walking and working out a day. Those 1,300 calories a day consisted of the following:

Breakfast

• 1 cup of Special K Red Berries Cereal (110 cal.)
• 1/2 cup of Silk Plain Soy Milk (60 cal.)
• One large banana (120 cal.)

Lunch

• Raw vegetables with dressing (70 cal.)
• Veggie Burger with bread and mustard or something similar (300 cal.)
• Fruit (100 cal.)

Dinner

• 1 Cup of Cooked Brown Rice (150 cal.)
• 6 Soy Nuggets (160 cal.)
• Can of Green Beans (70 cal.)

Snack

• Apple (80 cal.)
• Grapes (80 cal.) 

The sad part about the above numbers and diet choices were that this was a high point for me during my Junior year. I was rapidly reducing the amount I was eating by the week. I went from 1 cup of cereal to 1/2 a cup within a few months. I would sit in my room by myself in the mornings with my measuring cups until the amount of flakes filled the cup perfectly. Once it was filled perfectly to one cup I would dump the cereal into my bowl. It didn't end there. I would look at each and every flake and dried berry before pouring the milk on the cereal. I would analyze each flake and find something wrong with random flakes here and there and throw them away. I would cry sometimes because by the time I was done there would be about 10 flakes left total and I would consider not having any at all. This is when I started reducing the amount of soy milk I was putting into my cereal as well. I realized I didn't need a half cup of soy milk for such a small amount of cereal, so I replaced the half cup serving with a tiny cap full. Yes, the cap from the top of the carton. Basically, a splash of soy milk with my 10 flakes of cereal, and a banana that I would on occasion rip the brown parts off of to reduce the calories from that. I would also drink green tea every morning in hopes to boost my metabolism even more. I didn't just pick my food with breakfast, I did this for every meal of the day. At first I was shy about doing this in front of other people, but with time I didn't care who was around and I would be stuck in my ways. Each and every meal was greatly reduced from August 2007 until December 2007. I was down to 595 calories a day with at least 6 hours of exercise. My meals then turned into this compared to above: 

Breakfast

• 10 flakes of Special K Red Berries Cereal (20 cal.)
• 1 cap full of Silk Plain Soy Milk (10 cal.)
• Most of one large banana (80 cal.)

Lunch

• Raw vegetables without dressing (30 cal.)
• Veggie Burger without bread and mustard or something similar (100 cal.)
• Fruit (100 cal.)

Dinner

• 1/4 Cup of Cooked Brown Rice (40 cal.)
• 3 Soy Nuggets (80cal.)
• 1/2 Can of Green Beans (35 cal.)

Snack

• 1/2 Apple (40 cal.)
• Grapes (60 cal.) 

This is going to be a really detailed part of my eating disorder so I will publish this portion and continue on with my story in the next post. The next part is going to fully introduce my amazing boyfriend at the time, Franke. He was an insanely huge part of my life during all this. Please include comments and questions if desired.

Party

First night back at ISU Junior Year

Starting the night off before going out.

Michael Jackson Drunk Dancing.

Who drank all that beer?

Drunk Gals

More Drunk Gals...but two of my best friends.

Where Shit Gets Real

The summer after my first semester at ISU looked very similar to the way I lived my life at ISU...minus the heavy drinking at all times. Being at home during the summer break with my family meant that drinking heavily was put on pause for me. Please take into consideration that I was not 21 at this point of my life, so I was unable to go out and purchase my own alcohol. I was not able to be upset about something that was occurring in my life and head to the bars with friends. So what was my alternative to coping with my feelings? You got it; working out for long hours and developing obsessive thoughts about what I was putting into my body.

There is one person and story I did not include in my previous entry. The reason that he was not included is that him and I no longer talk and after hurting him he wants nothing to do with me. Looking back, I totally understand how he must have felt and was he chose to remove me from his life entirely. I feel it is important to include that part of my life but will not be using his name. (if you knew us, you can fill in the blank information yourself). By the end of my sophomore year, I was hanging out with multiple groups of friends. I was having a great time with various outstanding people. Since my first day at Illinois State, I hung out with this specific guy; he was the first person to meet up with me in my new environment, go out with me to party, then come and stay the night at my dorm so I didn't have to be alone on my first evening away from home. We hung out all year but nothing magical happened until the later half of our sophomore year. He and I had gone to high school together and started to become really good friends then during my Junior Year. At that point, I was in a serious relationship with Ryan, so there was no chance of considering this person during that portion of my life. Beginning to date began very randomly and I was so glad it did happen when it did. We began being extra flirty with one another and spending extra time together. We hung out all the time. We dated the end of my sophomore year, which carried into the summer of 2007. He stayed at ISU in a house while I was stuck going back home. Since I had a car, we made it work. I would go down with friends and visit, as well as take trips on my own. He noticed my odd eating habits forming and my changing body. Of course, he didn't mind the hot new body, but when he noticed the rapidly changing habits I was forming with food, he was concerned. I specifically remember sitting on his couch watching television while eating two soy nuggets and Asian coleslaw salad. He looked at me and questioned that was all I was eating for dinner. I told him that was enough and I was just trying to make healthy choices. He kept insisting I eat something else he had in the house or that we go out and get something, but I refused. This is the earliest memory I have of being defensive about my eating habits. I remember being very stand offish after the situation and negative thoughts towards him started brewing in my head.

It was the same visit that he questioned me about my eating that I decided I no longer cared to be in a relationship with him. Just like that, I was able to destroy this outstanding relationship. Naturally, I blamed it on things he was doing. I blamed several of his lifestyle choices, which was clearly not the real issue at hand. I was becoming a total wreck in my mind and that was the easiest thing to use to avoid the actual problem. I still to this day regret the way I hurt him. I was so brutal in the words I chose to explain needing my space from him. It is important to consider that this person was not only the guy I was dating at the time, but a super close friend from high school who I cared about dearly. I was choosing to sacrifice a lot with him just to proceed with this new love affair with an eating disorder.

This was the same summer I went to Florida to visit my cousin Rachel who was living there at the time due to work. I went to see her by myself. This was the first time I took a plane by myself and I was feeling very independent. While I was on my trip, I was still in a relationship with the person spoken about above. During my visit with Rachel, I was exposed to new things that I had never taken the time to give a chance. I have always eaten pretty well known items, and never took the time to go to different health stores to learn more about various other options out there. I believe Rachel was vegan at the time, and if not vegan, certainly vegetarian. Throughout my whole trip I was being introduced to new food items. I learned about Luna Bars, Kombucha , eating greens, and having zero meat in my diet. I was already on the verge of loosing weight and feeling very empowered by doing so. I quickly realized that adapting to a lifestyle more like Rachel would help me achieve loosing more weight even quicker. The whole trip I picked up tips from the way she ate. I realized I too could eat this way and sustain throughout a day. In retrospect it was almost as if I was taking notes the whole time on how she lived. I craved it. I adored what she had. I wanted it myself and knew I could also have it. I remember during my trip we went to PF Channgs and I allowed myself to enjoy some crappy chicken dish. I remember feeling super terrible after and feeling as if I had let myself down. I knew I could have made a healthier choice but justified it being okay because I was on vacation. That was the last time I ever ate at PF Channgs. I was disgusted not so much by the food that was put into my body, but the thought that I let down that power of having control. I did journal on this trip and have those journals today. I will be including journal entries throughout my blog to share with people the crazy thoughts I had.

Journal Entries: 

• May 21, 2007: She has been making me amazing vegan food this trip. I must admit I may consider becoming vegetarian. I know I could easily do it and I love taking good care of my body and have good health. (However, my live is probably mighty fucked up since I love alcohol- my So Co) I have been sober for 12 days now, which is insane for me. (how sad!) I do want some thought, probably when I am back.
• May 21, 2007: Also, this summer I would like to go down to 115 lbs. I know I have lost a lot of weight and I feel great but get (more so earn and work for) a flatter and thinner tummy. People can judge me all they want but this is for myself and my own personal happiness. 
• May 22, 2007: I need to workout or walk. I feel like I haven't in so long, but my body feels good. I want to stay in shape, healthy, and get a bit smaller. 
• May 25, 2007: My mom thinks I have an eating problem (A.K.A. anorexic) which is absurd! I just have excellent self control now. And don't enjoy the same foods anymore. I no longer eat meat besides chicken and deli meat turkey. I don't eat much sugar or any sweets. I could go on forever. I know I go a little overboard sometimes. I love how I look and feel now. I feel beyond awesome! I love my body! and I still look healthy.
• May 25, 2007: It's 8:30 PM on a Friday night and like usual I have no plans. This makes me miss school so much. Hopefully someone calls me soon, I need a drink. I miss beer pong. 
• May 30, 2007: (12:20 AM) I feel like all of a sudden my life is a mess. I'm very unhappy with **** and I. Thank God Kelly is home this summer, I need her! She'll help keep me sane. She's an incredible best friend and I am very blessed adn thankful to have her in my life still. My tummy hurts so bad and I am very dizzy! Too much thinking lately. I feel stupid. I am making myself happy tomorrow; fuck being depressed. 
• May 31, 2007: I walked on the trails with Lauren and Kelly today and also went to the Sportsplex with Molly. It felt good. I have gotten very skinny. I've decided my arms are like a first graders.
• June 3, 2007: If I didn't have such awesome friends and family this summer would suck. Tomorrow around 10:30 AM I will walk with Sarah R. I am so addicted to walking and I haven't seen her in about a week!! 
• June 4, 2007: I am obsessed with loosing weight, working out, and food. It consumes all of my thoughts. Who have I become? -don't get me wrong, I am very happy; also proud of myself. 
• June 5, 2007: I walked with Kelly today for 1 hour and 20 minutes, a very nice walk. I want to play basketball later too. I am so food obsessed. Why? I've never looked so good before and I love how I look. I try not to think about it, but I do, always. 
• June 5, 2007: I slept so much today and feel like I ate too much (which I probably didn't).
• June 9, 2007: I went to the Sox game on Thursday and got shit wasted. 3 beers chugged before, 1/2 vodka and Gatorade on the train and 3 beers at the game. I was so messed up . I had a lot of fun with Cory though. He is such a good buddy. 
• June 10, 2007: My mom called my skinny arms "sick" at bags because I was doing awesome.
• June 12, 2007: By the way, I am at Zak's hockey game alone. Ha. So I brought my journal. My mom and I made eggplant for dinner and I ate way too much, I might go on a short walk when I get home. I can't control myself when it comes to eggplant. It makes me feel sooo guilty!! (oh well- over and done with.)
• June 18, 2007: Back to ISU today!  I am so excited, I can't wait to go and spend time with **** and sleep with him! But I went down Saturday with my sister, Winker, and Molly for Ryan's first day in the house. It was so fun even thought I got way too drunk like usual, and blacked out! So stupid! I could have used that time to be with **** more. Oh well. 
• June 21, 2007: I am really dizzy and weak today. It sucks. I wonder why. Maybe I really don't eat enough. Lately everyone comments on my weight and it's so annoying!!! I just adjusted myself to have a healthier lifestyle and I am very happy. Sadly, I'd still like to loose a little more and have smaller legs. I love how I look now thought. I Just don't want my overall health to be in danger. 
• June 29, 2007: Everything has changed very much. **** and I are doing great. I have been down there a lot lately keeping him company. I love being there for him, I could tell he really appreciated it! I stayed until Wednesday afternoon. It was nice. **** is quite messy and lady but oh well. Still a super amazing guy. He took me out to dinner Tuesday night, Qdoba, then we went and got really shitty with Meagan and Drew later and god was it great to see them.
• June 29, 2007: At first when I left I was happy and felt like I didn't like him as much but I do. I miss him. He's great.
• June 29, 2007: I have a problem, which may just be in my head. I feel like I look fatter lately in my stomach and I don't know why. I'm not eating shitty, I still eat mostly fruits and veggies, and walking every day extra long the past few days. I really love my body now and want to stay this way or even smaller. I like that I have super skinny arms and that I've lost a lot of my butt and boobs. My face also looks so much thinner. Tomorrow at the Tominov Grad. Party I am going to use great self control, not over eat or drink alcohol like at Laur's party. I am beyond obsessed with my health and how I look. It is becoming a problem and consuming all my thoughts. Oh well. I love my life and my new look.
• July 9, 2007: I went to ISU again this weekend to visit **** but this weekend just wasn't the same. "Living" with him made me feel that he is very lazy, not too responsible, and doesn't care for his health at all. I am very unsure about how I feel now. Also, I spoke to Ryan W. tonight for the first time in months. It was weird. He even came over and talked to me. He looked super good. I need to be wise though and think about this. I can't forget he really hurt me. So confused. Goodnight! 
• July10, 2007: I would really like to talk to Ryan in person again, soon. I even wish I could right now. I want to hear what is going on in his life. It was so nice to see him and talk to him but now I can't stop thinking about him. It most certainly brought back some old feelings. I couldn't stop smiling or talking. Is this bad? He did pour two beers over my head on purpose. However, I did break his heart, abandoned him at a rough time, and broke up with him with no warning at all. (It was honest at least, but bitchy nonetheless.) My cousin Rachel said to think about it for 48 hours and then see how I feel and if I want to still talk to him then do it! Honestly, I think I will. Today I was already debating if dinner or something like that would be pushing it to catch up. I miss him in my life even if it has to be as just a friend. I mean in reality, this is the guy I felt I'd spend the rest of my life with. I have so much thinking to do. I think **** and I are better off as just friends. I hope he isn't mad and can still be my friend. And now on top of things with ****, I have Ryan on the brain. More than I would like. I mean could I ever seriously give him another change? I am getting way ahead of myself now. Who says he wants anything to do with me? Even as a friend? 

This is where this specific pink journal with my name and peace signs on the cover ended. I did not include nearly all the details but the ones that related to the issues I was going through to help put my thoughts into perspective. Majority of this journal was about **** and the ups and down of our relationship. Most was too personal on his part to share with others. I want to show him respect now since I failed to do so then. Sadly, I didn't document what actually happened with my life the rest of that summer, but I am sure it went similar to the rest of it. Unsure of what I was doing. Jumping around from one guy to another because I never processed my real feelings. Lack of eating and tons of exercise.

When I return from this trip things became even more real. That was when I broke up with an amazing guy for lame reasons, treated him like shit, and started really going overboard with restricting myself with food and overexerting myself with exercise. That summer I can clearly remember my friends and family making comments about my weight loss. This did nothing but feed the fuel of my eating disorder fire. I was receiving attention for my thinner body. I was spending any free moment I had exercising. I was constantly walking. During the end of summer I had gone down to ISU once with my friend Sarah to spend time with my friends...and more specifically to see Ben. Even after everything that happened with the other guy, my main focus was still to see Ben. I remember having a really good time with him that evening and waking up with him the next morning, however, due to drinking I can't even remember all the time we spent together that night. I was less focused on the quality of my relationships and more so on the partying and drinking again. I suppose I never felt I had to worry about the relationships themselves because I had so many friends who I was constantly surrounded by. Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends to death and they knew that. The part that really bothers me today is that I spent so much time drinking that I can't remember a lot of what we shared interests in or conversations we had. I spent a lot of time the end of that summer blacking out from drinking and never coping with all these deaths, break ups, and other issues in my life.

I went through so many mini relationships in that short time after breaking up with Ryan. This makes sense to me today because of how I ended things with Ryan and never resolved the way it truly made me feel. It has to be easy to bounce from guy to guy when you never were at peace with yourself for the relationships you have had and broken in your life. I had a really hard accepting and understanding my emotions during this period of my life and I had no idea how to cope with those feelings. Instead I ran from them. I ran to guys. I ran to drinking. I ran to parties. I was not only hurting myself by doing so, but also those incredible people I chose to include along the way of my own destruction.

Hot Mess in the Dorms

More Shots in the Dorm Room

Out with my love, Kitty.

Typical Night for Us.

Example of having lots of fun, but also being over the top.

Amazing Friends during these years.

Drunk Luv.

Some of my best lady friends.

Becoming thinner and thinner continues...

My Vacation with Rachel

Enjoying the Sunshine in Florida. Note the thinner body.

Where I began to loose a lot of fat and muscle in my legs.

The Very Beginning

In the past, if I had to select a time in my life that I believe my eating disorder began, I would have said the Summer of 2007. After looking back at my life, that might actually be wrong. I truly believe my issues began during my first year of college, which would be August of 2005. I attended Moraine Valley Community College with my best friend, Kelly. I was at the top of my class by the end of my first year and was very obsessive about earning and maintaining above average grades. Working out was never important to me during my high school years, but once I entered college it started to become more of a priority in my week. I would take long walks between classes, sometimes with Kelly, and was starting to do a lot of work on my abdominal muscles. I was swimming every morning in my family pool in the backyard. The changes were very healthy at first and didn't come off as problematic to others...or myself.

I should mention I didn't eat healthy during my high school years. I ate tons of Chicken Fried Rice with Kelly, bags of Doritos and boxes of Krispe Kreme Donuts with Dea, two or three orders of chicken nuggets with extra ranch sauce from Wendy's and X-Large Strawberry Milkshakes with my high school boyfriend, Ryan, and half of a frozen pizza with my high school best friend, Jenny, as an after school snack. I had terrible eating habits. I was in high school though, so it didn't really seem to matter to me at that time. Food was never the biggest concern of my day. My focus was on doing well in school and most of all, being social with my friends. By Senior year at Carl Sandburg, that changed a little. I started to skip lunch once in a while. This was more than likely to look "cool". I would eat normally at home, but the idea of restricting my eating habits was very appealing to me at this point. I knew the less I ate, the smaller my body would be and the more control I would have over my physical appearance.

After high school (summer 2005), I did not get into the college that I wanted to attend, Illinois State University. I was devastated but tried not to let that show and played it off as I willingly chose to attend a community college as my first college experience. I decided to stay home for another year as opposed to applying to other universities and attended Moraine Valley Community College to begin taking general education courses and introduction teaching classes. I think not being admitted to Illinois State was the first trigger to feeling compelled to find a new control in my life. I was very upset because I knew how intelligent I was and how capable I was of doing well in college. I was pissed off at the school systems and how much focus they put on standardized tests. That summer I spent a lot of time with my friends, but I also began to enjoy taking long walks during the warm summer months. Right after high school graduation I began taking courses at Moraine Valley. I was very driven to do well. I channeled a lot of my energy into getting straight A's. I spent a lot of time with Kelly. Like mentioned above, my body started to become toned due to my work outs. I was not used to focusing on that area of my life, and it seemed really empowering.

 During my first year at Moraine Valley, I lost quite a bit of weight. It didn't take doing much to see differences, just adapting to some healthier habits.While taking classes at Moraine, I was admitted to Illinois State for Fall of 2006. I was beyond thrilled. I was  even more driven to do well during my time at Moraine and take as many classes at possible. I was taking 18 credits a semester, far more than I needed to be. Most of my time was spent dedicated to my studies. I can't even tell you an exact number of credit hours I had by the time I attended ISU, but it was a lot! As I packed my bags for ISU, I felt ready to take on whatever college had to offer me. Looking back, I was ready academically and socially, but my rapidly developing issues seem to tell another story.

I can remember my first day at ISU like it was yesterday. I was so happy to be off on my own and working towards my degree. I decorated my dorm room, unpacked my bags, and contacted friends from high school. From day one, I began to go out and drink and party with my friends. This was very new to me since this was not a way that I handled my life during my experience at home. I was out at least 3 nights a week and receiving tons of attention from various guys, and even new girl friends. Being a lady, this was a super fulfilling feeling. I was engaging with tons of different people and loving this new social circle in my life. Entering college I had many issues in my head that were no where near sorted out before going away. This is why drinking quickly became my outlet and something I depended on for having a good time. I quickly made wonderful new friends during my first few weeks at school. I also quickly learned about the basement gym in my dorm, Manchester Hall. I had my closet filled with zero calorie pack Oreos and Light Lays Potato Chips. I started using the gym once or twice a week, mainly after a long weekend of drinking. During my short visits a few times a week, I observed other girls studying from their notebooks while sweating on the treadmill. That seemed very clever to me, so I began to do the same. I went from going only twice a week to going every day since I was able to attend to my studying during my workouts. I began to loose track of time and would often spend an hour to two hours on the elliptical due to my mind being on my notes. When going to the food court, I would select honey glazed chicken with fried rice and large bowls of Alfredo pasta. That continued for a bit, however, I started switching to salads on a daily basis filled with various vegetables and low-fat dressing. I also dragged my friend into my obsessive ways without letting them know. I would initiate taking a walk as a way to hang out and catch up. Little did they know that this healthy act for them was becoming an obsession for me. Constantly feeling the need to be on the move.

During my Sophmore year of college (August 2005-May 2006), my life changed more than I realized. It took me looking back years later to understand how each of those changes ultimately affected my well being. To me it all felt like fun, however, I was developing a pattern of very negative behaviors. I was never a person who was defined by exercise or food, but this quickly started to consume me and in a sense define me. By the middle of my sophmore year, I was drinking at least 4 to 7 days a week. I would buy a handle of Southern Comfort and begin drinking by myself in my room, already being intoxicated before even meeting up with my friends to "pre-game" with them.I would drink that whole handle to myself by the end of the week. I could drink my guy friends under the table and loved being part of the action. I never missed any parties or gatherings.  I justified this heavy drinking by eating a Subway Veggie Delight or Subway mini veggie pizza before heading out with my friends. I would later that night carry a bag of pretzels around with me to keep myself from blacking out or feeling sick the next morning. All through college, I never experienced a hangover because of these tedious routines that I held myself to on a daily basis. Various friends became highly worried about my drinking and the dependency I was forming around it. My friend Sarah and my roommate Casey had gone to my Resident Assistant, Matt, to tell them about my drinking problem. He came and talked to me but of course I did not take this seriously. I continued drinking, in my dorm room and everything. I would stay at friends houses instead of going back to my room at night and spend as much time away from my room as possible. I was angry at the people who were looking out for me.  I did gain an amazing support group of friends during my first year at ISU. I would never say they were a bad influence on me, more so that we just enjoyed the same hobbies. We all loved music, and being outside, as well as drinking and partying. My friends  kept me away from spiraling out of control sooner than I did. 

I should mention a very important person and part of my life.  Before leaving for ISU, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, Ryan.We dated my Sophomore year of high school until the summer before my Sophomore year of college. He was my high school sweetheart and the person I honestly thought I was going to spend my life with. (everyone felt this way because we had been through so much together and seen the worst in one another and still made it work). His family became my family. I had a very strong relationship with each member of his family, especially his sister Lauren. I remember one of the hardest parts about breaking up with Ryan was feeling like I was breaking up with his whole family. He was an amazing guy, a loyal person, and a fantastic boyfriend, however, right when I knew I was going away to college, I knew I wasn't going to do well being in a relationship. I am glad I knew this about myself because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone else along the way of figuring myself out. The saddest part is that Ryan also went to Illinois State. He is a year older than me, so he was there for two years of our relationship prior to me going there. Even though he was away, he was always super faithful to me and we had a wonderful relationship. We took turns visiting on the weekends and spent all our time together when he was home for breaks.You would have thought me getting into ISU was the best thing that ever happened to us, however, that was what tore us apart. I could not handle being way with him at the same school. I had no second thoughts about sacrificing our relationship so I could be a free women entering my experience being away at college. Once I started living in Normal, Illinois and attending ISU, Ryan and I lived very close to one another and we hung out with a lot of the same people. We remained friends and even dated on and off around October 2006. Sadly, that did not last long either because of my drinking. I would go out and party and throw myself at other guys I was attracted to. I was still receiving tons of attention from others and had no interest in sacrificing that to remain in a relationship. Ryan witnessed me changing right before his very eyes after being with me for 4 years. I felt like the change was night and day. Sure, we had our issues for sure, but nothing about the way we ended had to do entirely with how he treated me. I was a very troubled little lady and realized I couldn't be with someone else on such a strong commitment level. I mention Ryan because this is when everything started. Soon after we broke up for good, I started becoming very dependent on other outlets in my life. I was dating other guys and always with friends, but it was almost as if drinking, food, and exercise had replaced that four year relationship I had with someone I loved and who loved me. Writing this I am realizing just how much my relationship ending with Ryan effected me. At the time, it honestly seemed like no big deal to me because I was so confused in my head. I knew I couldn't be with him and thought that was all that mattered. Realizing now that ending a 4 year relationship is a huge deal and I never coped with it properly. I never allowed myself closure because I forced myself to move on so quickly.

While Ryan and I were broken up, I started spending time with different guys. Obviously, after just ending  a long term relationship, the best idea was not to jump right back into a relationship. I did not do that at all because I was too busy dating and hanging out with numerous guys. Dating or being able to freely flirt with guys was new to me since I had been dating Ryan for so long. There is one guy in particular that I was into very much, Ben. He was the one exception to me not wanting to jump into dating. He and I hung out my first day at ISU and continued hanging out until I graduated. Our "relationship" was never serious, but we always had a really amazing time together. He was very high energy and gave me the attention I needed at that point of my life. I would often spend the night with him and enjoyed being in his presence. We were unable to date for a long period of time due to him also knowing Ryan. I hated how complicated it was because I truly liked Ben and the way he made me feel. I was having so many issues internally and he was one of those people who just helped all that go away. I mention Ben because I had a really hard time getting over him and it was always really hard seeing him at parties knowing the kind of relationship I desired to have with him. This lead to me drinking even heavier and a period of unhappiness. I have never admitted that before because for a long time I preferred people to believe certain things didn't bother me. Luckily, Ben and I were always able to maintain a friendship and I now realize that was for the better.

That same year, my grandma Rita, passed away. This was a super hard time for me because I spent almost every Sunday with her and she was the core of our family. We were not very close in the sense of knowing one another on a personal level, but I learned a lot about family values and being a good person from her. Everyone always came to visit on Sundays to have lunch and relax together. When she became ill, I was away at school which was really stressful for me because more than anything I wanted to be there with her and my mom. It was a lot of really long, depressing visits to the hospital. She passed away in February of 2007. I had a really hard time and went into a mini depression, which I always successfully avoided talking to others about. I cried a ton, I ate very little, and exercise was my source of releasing the stress. I have an easy time accepting death today, but my grandma's death was the hardest for me to accept. I believe there were many reasons for that; she was the first big death in the family, as well as witnessing the hard time my mom and other family members went through because of it.

Not only did my grandma pass away in February 2007, my closest friend, Roy Warner III, passed away in a car accident in November of 2005. I have to be honest and admit that I was obsessed with Roy for many years and looked up to him very much. It started as a cute little crush when we were students at Orland Junior High School, and we remained friends over the years. Like me, Roy had many issues and we connected on a very deep level because of this. We would spend hours talking on the phone daily due to being in different locations, looking at the stars together, and challenging one another to "rap battles". He was such an important person to me. Loosing him was VERY unexpected and hard for me. I felt like the only thing I could do at that point to cope was write my own rap songs out and reach out to his amazing family, especially his mom and sister, Jill. I remember I was at Ryan's house when I found out about Roy's death on someone from high school's Myspace page. I ran out of Ryan's house with a stream of panicky tears and could barely breathe. I remember screaming so loud that all of his neighbors could probably hear me.These were two very significant people in my life and I had a very hard time saying good bye to both of them. Looking back, my drinking and obsessive personality really went into full bloom after these two deaths. I will forever love both of these people and use them now as a tool to help myself push forward with my life. I would hate to feel I am disappointing either of them and still try to make them proud even though they are no longer here with me in person.

By the end of my sophomore year, it was clear that I had lost lots of weight, and part of my mind. Going from a size 4 or 6 in pants to a size 0. Developing odd new eating habits. Becoming dependent on hard alcohol and beer for a good time. That summer was no different. It was actually terribly worse. Being home for the long break did nothing but cause more problems and obsessions for me, but that is the next part of my story. 

Two of my best friends from college, Chelsea & Kitty. They were insanely supportive friends.

Typical night for me...taking shots.

A boy who had my heart for quite a long time during college. Ben and I "dated" on and off for a bit during my sophomore year of college. I was totally into him and had a really hard time when we weren't seeing one another anymore.

Partying with Kitty

Mikey was one of my closest guy friends in college.

Lots of beer drinking during these years.

Slowly you will see my body become smaller and smaller.

This is my ex-boyfriend of 4 years, Ryan. This was during the brief time in college where we were back together.

A very typical site of me while spending time in my dorm. Taking shots with the roomie.

Why Did I Start This Years After Recovering From Anorexia?

Most people who know me would consider me an outgoing, happy young lady. Most people who know me on a more personal level understand that is true, however, there are a lot of underlying issues and past that go along with that glowing personality. These issues stem back to my childhood and continue up until this point of my life. My largest battle with mental health and my physical well being began my junior year of college during my time at Illinois State University. This was the year of 2007, roughly beginning upon entering college, and more than likely before even going away to school.

It is now 6 years after being faced with an all consuming eating disorder. Anorexia was my vice. Food, calorie counting, exercise for hours on end, routines, planning, anxiety, shaking, indecision, food, calorie counting, and more exercise. I spent every waking moment obsessing about the above topics. I spent very little time thinking about the underlying issues, how amazing my friends and family were, or what I wanted to do with my life. Like any person who is faced with a mental illness, I was clueless at first that anything was changing about me, especially to the point of danger. It took me many years to understand how my choices were effecting not only my life, but my family's and friend's lives as well. Since entering various stages of recovery I have wanted to develop a blog, journals, books, and presentations to share my story with other people.

I am still baffled to this day that I am alive and well. I have no idea how my body was able to bounce back from the torture I put it through. I don't know how I ever climbed out of the dark place I was stuck in for so very long. Now that I am finally able to say I am FULLY RECOVERED, I decided a blog would be a wonderful way to share my experience with others, including the ones who were by my side during this rough time.

Below I have included pictures from my past. This helps put into perspective where my physical well being was at due to a mind that was totally unbalanced.

Some of the worst of times

Sickeningly skinny arms

Again with the arms

Before going out on Valentine's Day

One of my last days at Metcalf before being removed from ISU

My buddy Meghan

My amazing Ms. Jenny who helped support me through the terrible times

Notice the picture of Grandma Rita right next to my desk in my dorms, as well as Roy's obituary from when he passed away in November 2005. Also, the "Cheer Up Charlie" card from one of my best friends, Laura. Something was always going on with me.